Where The Heck is Barbie???

Happy Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T14:55:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day from Abby Jewel!!

Sloppy Steph

2012-02-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

Ughhhh, I hate writers block! I would love to put something witty or moving or thought provoking down on this proverbial paper but truth be told, I'm beat. Abby was diagnosed with pneumonia on Sunday so my nights have been filled with a coughing, crying toddler. She is better now but man I hate when my babies get sick. Couple all of that with my sudden urge to become domesticated, ie, sewing and pinterest projects, and you have one very tired momma on your hands.

I'm holding steady on the weight loss.........I need to get my butt in gear. The last two weeks haven't been very productive but of course I haven't been working the plan like I know to. Sure, I'm eating healthy for the most part but it's occassional splurges that kill it for me. Like the trip to have chinese food on Saturday..........now I'm not sad about that trip (the food was delicious) but I'm sad about how I couldn't tighten my belt immediately following that dining experience. See I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. I'm either hard core or I'm sloppy..........I don't have an in between button which is probably why I battle my weight.

So my eating has been sloppy. Not bad but not good.....a handful of goldfish here, a vanilla wafer there, nothing overly awful but enough to make the scale stagnant. So I'm trying to get my groove back........I really want to lose another 35 pounds before our family reunion in June. That 35 pounds will still leave me with 40 to lose but it will also put me at 75 lost.

This is a lifestyle, this is a lifestyle, this is a lifestyle..........I keep telling myself that in hopes that one day it will sink in!!

Beautiful Broken Blessings

2012-02-06T07:41:00.000-08:00

This time a couple of years ago I was in the throws of a miscarriage. I was laying in bed trying to entertain a 13 month old toddler and praying to God to save my baby. This time two years ago I had no idea how my innocence would be stripped away. I naively thought that surely God would not thrust me in to the baby loss category after already putting me through the every doctor in America has shoved his hand up there infertility club initiation. Surely, I would not, after laying here for hours pleading with God, still lose this baby. Two years ago I had no idea how strong I could be or how fragile life really was. Two years ago I had no idea how you could feel such deep devastation and complete gratitude at the same time.

On February 9th, two years ago, I realized all those things. Life turned upside down for me that day……..there are few moments that I will ever forget about that afternoon just because they have been burned in to my heart. I’m not angry and never really have been. I don’t understand but I’m also not angry. I have always maintained the position that “how could I possibly be angry at a God who gave me William”.

I will admit that there are days that I cry…….more because I don’t understand. Usually the tears come at the end of an already emotionally charged day and truth be told, I let them fall. I let myself feel that hurt, that tiny sense of betrayal. I let the questions flow and wonder how things would have been different.

Different………hmmmmm??? Two years ago I never imagined that I would wake up to this beautiful ray of sunshine who looks like her grandmother and makes her momma’s heart smile.

This beautiful red headed girl with beautiful, red headed curls whose name means “Father’s Joy” and who lives up to that name every single day. This bouncing, bubbly, baby girl who has brought much peace into my battered heart. Who has fulfilled my dreams of painting toe nails and playing baby dolls. Her presence does not make me miss my 2nd child any less………..and yes, I say 2nd child because after seeing your baby’s beating heart 5 times via ultrasound, you kind of feel like that is your child………..but it sure does remind me of the goodness of God. It reminds me that He has great plans for us and they are plans for hope and a future. Those are the things I try to remember as I journey down this path………this week brings back bitter memories but also brings forth new hope. I’m trying to rest in the hope part.

Spaghetti Dinner

2012-02-03T14:36:00.000-08:00

Just some pics of the family and their complete, over the moon excitement for spaghetti. My gosh you would think I don't ever feed them!! My husband literally skipped around the kitchen when I told him that he could have pasta.......yes, he is a carbaholic for sure!!

You may be wondering where Will was during all of the carb festivities.....he was busy riding his tricycle through the kitchen at an alarming speed! At least he had on clothes this time!!

The Diet

2012-02-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

Got on the scale this morning and thanks to a nasty cold/flu bug and lots of dieting, I'm down 40 pounds since September 1st. I wish I could say that I was done but I'm nowhere near done. What I am is healthier, 2 sizes smaller and a lot more confident.

In case you are wondering what I'm doing on the diet front, we (the adults in my home) are doing the 17 Day Diet. While I haven't seen the amazing results that a lot of people boast about I have seen steady weight loss and overall better eating. The better eating and healthy part was what I was really after so I feel like this diet is a win for us. We are eating a lot less processed food and a lot less red meat. I was never a huge meat eater anyway but my husband and father in law were. They also had a sick love affair with Hamburger Helper and mac & cheese. This diet has given us a clean slate and really I'm not hearing many complaints out of those two.

The next step is integrating some exercise in to our lives which may prove to be a difficult task. I don't usually get home until almost 7:00 p.m. and my kids are normally in bed by 8:00 p.m. I'm sorry but I refuse to waste that precious time with them..........that means I'm going to have to find another way to get some activity in. I've thought about dvd's, treadmills, late night visits to the gym and honestly, none of it sounds very appealing right now. I'm just not super motivated to get it done. So maybe my next step should be finding my motivation??!!

Anyway, I'm proud of myself and the guys in my life. We are all working hard to make sure that we are around for a long time. I've done this before and I can do it again.........I have extra incentive now though because I want to make sure that I'm there for my grandkids!

Wooden Teasets

2012-01-26T08:12:00.001-08:00

As I peruse the internet I often come across bloggers whose pictures display this perfect balance of hip and June Cleaver. These blogs always leave me scratching my head while tagging their page so I can return day after day and feel like a loser mom. Their daughters are having tea parties with little wooden tea sets rather than the cheap plastic ones from China……..their homes are beautiful shades of gray and orange……..a color combination that I love but would never be daring enough to attempt. They have recreated goodwill finds into original pieces of art that they have displayed all over their magazine worthy home. They shop at places like Anthropologie and Crate & Barrel. Their jewelry always coordinates with their super, cute and trendy wedge heels. Their children are dressed in a plethora of modern attire straight from sewing machines off Etsy or maybe, just maybe these cute and trendy June Cleaver’s make these wares themselves with wool from their organic goats. Of course they also find ways to convince their children to eat humus, quinoa, homemade yogurt and goat butter………..they baby wear, cloth diaper, have mismatched furniture that looks like it is supposed to be that way and they take incredible pictures of their incredible lives!!

I just have one question for all you trendy mom bloggers………how is it possible that you have time to do all of this?? Maybe your kids don’t cry, or puke, or poop their pants, or spray paint the walls with black spray paint??? Maybe you have brooms that move themselves, washing machines that do the laundry automatically and toilets that manage to clean up the pee streaks running down them, with little to no help from you?? I know this sounds like a jealous rant but I’m not really jealous……….okay, maybe I am just a teensy bit but I’m really intrigued. Did this cool, crunchy aura invade your body when you gave birth or has it always been there??

Let me give you a peek into my life. The furniture all matches……except for the spots where the cats have laid and covered my gold/taupe couches in grey hair. My floors usually have crap all over them………sometimes it’s literal crap but for the most part it is legos, pop tart crumbs, spaghetti noodles, fruit loops, some milk stains and hot wheels………thank God for hardwood. I’m not sure what would happen if I had carpet to contend with?? Speaking of pop tarts and spaghetti – there is a good look in to my kid’s diet. There is no trendy jewelry because I fear my children would strangle me with a strand of beads and wedge heels, uh no. A pair of comfy ballet flats is what I live in. My house is overrun with toys…….most of them from China and while I’m learning to sew, the last dress I made for Abby almost cut off the blood circulation to her arms because somehow I managed to make the arm holes to small!! I hate modge podge, hot glue guns, beads and puffy paint……….I work with these items when necessary but in my humble opinion, mixing 2 toddlers, 1 frazzled mom and crafting supplies is just a bad idea. I have 500 pictures on my camera that need to be reviewed and either deleted or downloaded, a stack of laundry that J U S T N E V E R L E A V E S and what is that stuff growing in the refrigerator.
Guys, I’m not lazy and I’m not a slob but sometimes it is hard to tell that by the condition of my house/life.

Some days I just sit the kids in the floor, in front of the tv with a pb&j (I know, go ahead and report me to CPS) just so I can have 5 minutes of peace. This teenager and 2 toddlers thing is hard work and I’m just constantly amazed at these parents who are able to juggle it all. Maybe it is because I work outside of the home?? Maybe it’s because I’m not organized enough?? Maybe I’m too anal, too lazy, too something. What I’m NOT is too trendy, too organized, too patient or too crunchy. So if you are one of these mom’s that I envy so, please fill me in on your tricks…..pretty please………..do it for the children!!

Beautiful World

2012-01-24T11:32:00.001-08:00

I need to do a quick mind dump real quick………too much stuff in my brain!!
First, I’ve lost 40 pounds since September 1st……….I have about 80 to so don’t start shouting hallelujahs yet. And before anyone starts judging me for gaining that much weight back…….yeah, I don’t care what you think……….every one of those pounds was worth it to get my babies so I have no regrets! I’m plugging along, eating healthy, planning meals, prepping food on the weekends until my fingers bleed and basically just trying to add some good healthy years to my life for the little people that helped me put this weight back on. No longer consumed with being a size 2 or buying designer clothes is proving to make this journey more enjoyable. Well as enjoyable as drinking liters of water and eating boatloads of carrots can be. This time it is different…..I’m not miserable, I’m not thrilled either but more importantly, I’m not miserable. I’m not freaking out if I slip up and I’m not going to spend the rest of my life potentially putting my children into therapy because mommy has an eating disorder. I’m going to do the best I can and at some point, maybe not next month, but at some point I will be where I want to be. I can give you the low down on the diet in my next post……..see I’m just not consumed with it anymore.

Speaking of kids……….they are beautiful, amazing, more than I could ever deserve. They are also exhausting, inquisitive, angry toddlers a lot of the time. I have some CUH-RAZY stories to share about William that include black spray paint……yeah, maybe next time. They bring joy to the very core of my being and there are times, after the kids have long been in bed, that I have to resist the urge to go wake them up to cuddle. Funny how in the thick of things we can’t seem to find that irresistible urge to snuggle them………like at 4:00 in the afternoon when they want you to play play-doh and watch Dora and all you want to do is get some kind of dinner in the oven so you won’t all starve to death. Those times when you remind your 3 year old that mommy wasn’t created just to entertain him only to have him look at you like you have 2 heads and again ask, “mommy, play play-doh with me?”. Those are the moments that make up my life. Like I’m constantly in a hamster wheel with no way to exit………like a theme park ride that goes on and on and won’t stop long enough to let me stumble out the right side of the car so I can puke in a trash can instead of on my co-rider!

This year I’m trying hard to remember who I am……..why I am…….where I want to be. I’m a mommy, wife, friend, sister, coworker……..yeah, that is who I am but not really “who I am”. I want to love bigger this year, give more. More of myself, my time, my money, my compassion and not just to people who need it but to the people that I love. I want to bake cookies and create art projects. I want to take thousands of pictures (with my new camera)…….I want to take impromptu, silly pictures of toddler boys in super hero capes and perfect princesses playing dress up. I want to LIVE this life I’ve been given. I want to remember every single detail, every smell, every sight, every sound. Sometimes I want that so much that it almost moves me to tears…..how can I do that. How can I be the grounded, methodical, planner that I am and still be free to experience all of the joys that come with messy handprints, lazy Saturdays and camp outs in the backyard. I’m sure we all have this quandaries………if I ever come across the answer, I’ll let you know. For now, I’ll leave with you a couple of reasons why I press for the answer.

Who??

2011-12-20T08:22:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things that I want to teach my children over the next few “moldable” years. One of those things is compassion and giving. This holiday season has brought about many tears for me. Partly because of the loss our family suffered when Rich’s mom died and partly because of the loss that so many families suffer through every day. When I think of children waking up on Christmas morning to no gifts it breaks my heart. Gifts are not the reason for Christmas but as a parent I can only imagine the heartache I would feel in not being able to give my children the magic of Christmas morning. Some of these families can’t even provide for their children’s most basic needs let alone offer them stockings filled by Santa and brightly wrapped gifts under the tree.

If you have never been to a women and children’s shelter then you have lived a sheltered life. I have visited those places and even volunteered in a few. Some of the women are there because of bad choices and some of them are their because of bad circumstances. Regardless of how they got there, it isn’t our place to pass judgment. I thought this morning about how Christians (me included) are quick to volunteer in the church nursery, participate in various study groups and show up for the church work day. We walk away feeling smug as though we are truly “serving” as Jesus called us to serve. We never think about the scriptures that tell us to care for the widows and orphans. We forget about the messy, dingy, dark parts of service. We choose to not think about those that are homeless or struggling. Those places, those things infringe on our comfort and leave a lasting impression that brings about a certain level of sorrow.

Oh yes, we will pick an angel off an angel tree and gladly buy a small toy for our designated child. We will donate food to our church food pantry and discard an unpopular toy in to the toys for tots bin but have we really thought about what it means to truly “give”. I’m talking about giving when it isn’t comfortable and sometimes even when it hurts. I’m talking about laying aside our own wants to supply someone else’s needs. What are we teaching our own children? We are teaching them that Santa brings lots of gifts and that Christmas is a time to open up multiple packages as fast as possible giving little thought to the actual gift or the giver. In some cases, we teach them that Jesus is the reason for the season but are we REALLY showing them the love of Christ?

In this world of instant gratification, astronomical credit card debt and electronic gadgets, have we ever stopped to consider what our actions truly say. I work around people every day that have money. I’m talking about lots of money. Having money doesn’t make you a bad person but when I think about the amount of money that is wasted on dining out, fancy wine, sports cars, clothes, etc. I just have to wonder when our priorities shifted so drastically. I’m not pointing fingers at anyone because; although, I do not own a fancy sports car and don’t drink fine wine, I do shop A LOT for my children. My kids have clothes and shoes shoved in every drawer and closet of our home. Oh and the toys…….our house is literally busting at the seams with toys. My children have no concept of want……….most of their desires are met by either their parents or their grandparents. They don’t know what it is to wear shoes with holes in them or to be told “I’m sorry we can’t afford that”. Those things are foreign to them and I pray that we never have to utter those words to them. But some people do have those struggles and maybe instead of my children always enjoying the bounty of God’s blessings……..maybe they should get to be one of those blessings?

I want my children to grow up with tender hearts and open hands. I want them to always be willing to go do the dirty work. To give, to love, to offer up whatever they can without passing judgment on those they are giving to. I have not always been great at these things but God isn’t finished with me. I consider myself to be a compassionate person – I would give you the shirt off my back and some would even call me naïve but that doesn’t mean that I always give without a smidge of smugness or a hint of judgment. That I never wonder why this person is in the situation they are in – what mistake they made to land themselves in this predicament. Those feelings and judgments negate my giving……..they make me as bad as the person who has everything and refuses to give. Those crevices and cracks are what God is working on in me.

The question I leave you with is this………..where are you on this road? Have you thought about what we are teaching our next generation, our children. As you watch your children experience the awe of Christmas morning, think about those children who will be waking up in a shelter. Those children whose lives have been devastated by drugs, abuse, alcoholism, violence, job loss, illness. Those families that are being torn apart by circumstances that seem too big. Mothers and fathers who will pray this holiday season for a miracle to keep their lights on or put food on the table. Parents who will not watch their children delight in the fact that Santa came. Children who will hope that next year Santa will find them.

WE are His hands and feet……..if WE don’t do it then who will?

A hole in my heart.....

2011-10-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

So I’ve been needing to write for a few weeks now. Writing is cathartic for me……a way to release all of those feelings that I hold inside in my futile attempt at appearing strong. One of the reasons I haven’t written is because, a. there has been no time and b. there is no way that I could possibly put my level of grief down on paper. I don’t know that there are words in the English language that could possibly do justice to the hurt that I currently feel in my soul. What on earth could possibly cause this grief, you ask? Well on Saturday, October 1st we lost my mother in law or Grandma as she was affectionately known by just about everyone.

Anyone that knows us knows that the last 3 years, since Tracy’s (my husband’s sister) death, have been difficult. Grandma struggled with severe depression and there were days when she couldn’t get out of bed. I’m ashamed to admit that after 2 year of this I had lost a lot of my empathy for her. I was easily frustrated by her lack of concern for our home, for her inability to see joy in things, for her unwillingness to count her many blessings. Oh how easy it is to be a Judgy Judy when it isn’t you who has lost a daughter or you who is suffering. Don’t get me wrong, I loved her dearly and she was one of my closest friends but a part of me feels a lot of guilt for my attitude over the last year. See, my life was amazing. In three years I had given birth to two beautiful children, I had a good job, fantastic home, great husband and a family full of people who loved me and wanted only the best for me. While I sat high on top of my mountain of goodness I watched her become more distant and sad. Not every day was bad, in fact, a lot of days were good. She always tried to wear a smile for the kids and over the last several months she had been doing fairly well. We knew she struggled but she also made an effort to get out of bed every day.

On Friday night she and Grandpa had gone out to dinner and Bingo. Grandpa had just traded his truck in for a corvette so they decided to take it out for a spin. The night was good. They had fun and talked about the future. Grandma even mentioned that she felt like she was coming out of her fog. She told Grandpa that she planned to take Toby (the dog) for a walk the next morning. They got home around 11:30 and I could hear them laughing and joking in the kitchen as she made the coffee for the morning. I remember thinking that it sounded like the old Grandma. I drifted off to sleep while making a list of all the things I needed to accomplish the next day.

Fast forward to Saturday morning……Rich got up early, probably around 7:15 or so. The coffee had been started and several cups were missing so all seemed as it should be. I finally roused myself out of bed around 8:00 a.m. Relishing in the fact that I had been able to sleep in. That never happens around our house so I was feeling really lucky. I got up, made my way to the kitchen to get breakfast for the kiddos and saw Grandpa coming downstairs. I casually asked where Grandma was as he opened up the morning paper. He replied that she was going to walk the dog. Hmmmm, okay so hopefully today will be a good day?? I fed the kids, jumped in the shower and was getting William dressed. I had told Rich of my plans to leave Abby at home while Will and I dropped Nate off at school and then went to the craft store. Rich and Grandpa had plans to pour some concrete in the backyard for a new shed we had just bought……the weather was beautiful and fall was just starting to set in. We were all so excited for cooler weather and the holidays.

Around 9:15 or so Grandpa went upstairs to get ready for the day and realized that Nathan was occupying the bathroom that they shared. Grumbling I’m sure, Grandpa made his way to Grandma’s bathroom (Grandpa snores like a bear so he and Grandma had separate rooms) and saw her on the floor. Assuming she was looking for her cat he yelled at her to ask what she was doing. When she didn’t respond he went over to her and realized that she was gone. He immediately called to Rich and Rich called 911. I ran up the stairs to see what was going on and when I saw her, I knew. I don’t know that I will ever forget how she looked. The gray skin, the broken sunglasses……….it appears that she was getting her sunglasses and heading to get Toby out of his kennel when it happened. The medical examiner says her heart stopped and she “just died”. I’m not sure that I understand how you just die…….there is no just dying. We know she didn’t suffer……she probably never knew what happened and their assumption was she that she was gone in a matter of minutes. I think about that…….minutes. One breath you are here and the next you are gone. One second you are making plans for the future and the next your life has been cut short.

After finding her, I scooped up my babies and ran them to the neighbor’s house because I knew it was going to be a long day. I started calling family and friends for reinforcement and prepared to do one of the hardest things I have ever done. I’ll spare you the details but after 3 ½ hours our house was finally empty of medical personnel, police, fireman, neighbors, etc. In the quiet of the house, I looked around and realized that all the dreams I had built my life upon, all the “stuff” that I had acquired meant nothing at this point. My true treasures were my family, my friends and my faith. Those things would serve as the warm coat I would pull around me in the midst of death’s chilly sting. Those things would be what sustained me as I went through the motions of planning a funeral. Those things would give me the strength to tell my baby boy that his Grandma was in Heaven. Those things would push me forward every day and allow me to find a new normal for our family. Those things would also remind me what is really important in life. In spite of my grief, I am blessed beyond measure. In spite of our pain, we have been given so much more than we deserve. In spite of my anger at the thought of my children not knowing a grandmother who loved them so much, I know that we are never truly alone.

Can you be both at once??

2011-06-17T11:33:00.001-07:00

I’ve been reading some of my old posts in an attempt to gather some kind of perspective on the girl I used to be. WOW, has time changed things. I feel like I’ve lost a lot…….my spare time, my gym time, my skinny jeans and my wit. They’ve been replaced with sleep deprivation, crappy eating habits, dirty diapers and mountains of laundry. Seriously, how did I change so much so fast??? Well I had children, that is how. I went from Super Barbie to Super Mom in the blink of an eye and while I ADORE my children and my role as their mother, there are times when I miss the old me. The one who had energy and who could make an adult laugh (I’m a pro at getting some giggles out of the toddler though). Some days I feel so lost in this insanity that is a teenager, a toddler and an infant that I forget that I’m still me. I’m still funny, I’m still witty, I’m not still skinny but I digress. How do I get back to that “girl”?? I mean, I can’t even find time to get my toes done anymore……..I spend every spare moment with a baby on my boob or a toddler on my leg. I feel like we are hanging on by a thread and this whole balancing act could come crashing down at any moment. Please don’t mistake this blog for a complaint – I LOVE my children and would gladly weigh 385 pounds again (although I don’t), lose my sanity, my wit and my skinny jeans for just one day with them. They are the reason I am me……….this new version of me. But I pose the question, is it okay to embrace the “new” me while still missing the “old” me. Better yet, is it possible to do that??

Okay, this one is short and sweet but stay tuned for tomorrow’s unfolding drama – The Terrorizing Toddler Finds the Spray Paint!! Yeah you don’t want to miss this cluster F of a story!! And people wonder why I’m paranoid??

Hello!!

2011-06-16T09:36:00.000-07:00

I know that I haven’t been here in forever but life has not afforded me the luxury of down time since the appearance of Miss Abigail. Wait, did I even blog about her?? For all you guys know we may have gotten a new puppy!! Well, Miss Abigail Jewel Lynn is not a puppy but rather a beautiful, bouncing baby girl! Yep, on November 19, 2010 we welcomed Miss Abby Jewel into our lives. I won’t bore you with the details of the unexpected pregnancy, miscarriage and then another unexpected pregnancy that eventually led to the birth of my precious girl. I also won’t make you relive the torture that is being pregnant in Texas during the Summer while suffering through grueling all day sickness (including pneumonia). Oh and don’t forget the toddler that terrorized me through most of it. Let’s just say it was a year to remember and while I love Abby more than life itself, the pregnancy definitely finalized my decision to shut down the baby factory. Hopefully someday I will be able to collect my thoughts and share that whole story with everyone. It was quite the rollercoaster ride!

Okay, I’m stuck. I can’t even remember what I came here to blog about. So goes my life. Everything takes me hours at this point. Whether it be getting ready for work, heading out the door to run errands or just getting the kids ready for bed. Half the time I get distracted and by the time I circle back around to my original project, I can’t even remember what in the heck I was doing?? Where The Heck Is Barbie definitely has a new meaning right now. More of a literal translation at this point in my life!

Now I remember what I started this post. I’m finding myself needing to blog as a release. It used to be fun and I did it as a pastime. Now I need to blog. I’m having some serious anxiety issues which I’m assuming are somehow postpartum related……don’t ask me how I know that because I don’t want to admit to self diagnosing myself via Google. Anyway, I’m anxious all the time. Ridiculously anxious……..as in took my kids out of the car the other day while I was pumping gas. I mean, surely the chances of my toddler getting hit by a car in a busy parking lot are less than the chances of my car blowing up while I’m pumping gas, right?? Please tell me that I’m correct and my irrational thinking is really rational?? Seriously, I’m driving myself nuts. Will has had a stomach virus over the last few days and I’ve spent the last two nights holding a puke bucket in one hand a crying Abby in the other worried that maybe he had E Coli. It’s out of control so I’m sucking it up and seeing my doctor next week. I no longer enjoy life but rather see it as one mine field after another. We’ll see what Dr. H says to me – he may just tell me to quit eating so many Jelly Bellys and to start drinking a glass of wine every night. I’m not sure but I know something has to give. I cannot afford to cover up the gray hairs anymore and I really need some semblance of sanity back in my life!

So I haven’t even touched on weight, diet, exercise. I’ll pick that up in my next post. I’m weaning Abby so I’m trying to get my diet back in line. I’m not doing great at it but I’m making more of an effort than I have in the last few months. That counts for something right??

(((HUGS))) from a lumpy, paranoid, lactating Barbie!! 

Where have I been??

2010-02-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

Most people probably don't even check up with this blog anymore but since I obligated myself to blog more with the New Year I thought I should explain my absence. First my hubby and I went on a cruise for our 5 year anniversary. It was wonderful but leaving Will was a little traumatic. unfortunately, I felt off for most of the trip. Really tired and a little seasick.......I just couldn't quite shake it. I started thinking on my way home that I felt exactly like this when I was pregnant with Will. Could I be pregnant???? NO WAY - based on our months of infertility with Will coupled with the fact that I was on the pill and we barely did the deed, I thought it was impossible. Well guess what my friends......it's not. Luckily, I had a pregnancy test at home and about 30 minutes after getting home I took it...."just to make myself less paranoid". WOW - it came up POSITIVE in about 15 seconds. I was speechless and shed a few tears because I wasn't sure how the husband would react. Not only did he not want another baby but he most certainly did not want kids 21 months apart. After about an hour I knew that I had to tell him. I cried and he hugged me - he was actually happy! HUH??? I went to the doctor the next day.....I was incredibly nervous because I drank more than my fair share of "adult beverages" in Mexico.......and there was a beautiful heartbeat. We told our family and friends and everyone was excited for us. Fast forward to February 5th. I was at work and around mid morning started spotting. I freaked out and ran to the doctor. They check the baby and everything looked great - told me not to worry and to go home and rest. I stayed in bed all weekend but the bleeding got worse. Monday I went back to the doc and again was told the baby looked great and that I had a subchronic hemmorage. I was feeling more positive and expected the bleeding to slow down but it stayed the same. On Tuesday (I was due to go back to work on Wednesday) I started having some back pain and went to take a shower. At that point I miscarried. My hubby rushed me to the doctor's office and while stuck in traffic the cramps/contractions started. It was a very traumatic experience and we have done a lot of crying. The doc says that I shouldn't worry and that it was probably nature's way of taking care of a problem. Now we are recovering......some days I'm more going through the motions than recovering but I'm sure that is part of the process. The husband is now anxious to start trying for a baby so we'll see how it goes. I'm starting the low carb diet again because I really think it helps to control my PCOS.

In other news - the miscarriage was on Tuesday and my car broke down on Saturday. It's been a rough week. We are hoping that the repairs will only cost about $800......I'm ready for break now. Looking forward to things turning around and for the rest of 2010 to be a productive year!

Writers Block

2009-10-19T20:35:00.000-07:00

Okay it's probably not a good sign when you have a writer's block for your weight loss blog. Hmmmm what does that say about my progress?? Well I can tell you that I'm down 6 pounds. Not great but it's better than gaining 6 pounds I guess?? I wish that I could tell you that it was attributed to diet and exercise......hell I wish I could tell you it was due to diet pills but I can't. It's definitely not anything I've done......maybe for once the f-ing gods are smiling on me and my flabby butt. I would say that I deserve some good karma after the weekend of "teething hell" that I just went through with Will. OH MY GOD!!! No one told me that it would be like that - if that child could have found a way to crawl back inside of my belly, he would have been there. I didn't put him down for 2 days straight. It was definitely a weekend to remember and to think about next time baby fever strikes!

So what are my big plans for the upcoming week in weight loss land........hmmmmm - all kinds of things run through my head but I won't put them out here for fear of getting banned from the internet. I guess I should say, in my most Barbie voice, "I plan to eat healthy and only eat until satisfied". Or I could say, "I plan to fit in at least 4 30 minute sessions of cardio this week". Shit - yeah right. My only source of cardio right now is chasing a ten month old around a jacuzzi tub during bath time.........by the way, has anyone ever tried to bathe a baby in a jacuzzi tub. What the hell - I need a scuba suit to wear while doing that. I get a bath only I'm fully clothed and on the OUTSIDE of the tub. Like I said - I've got writers block. I'm drained - I love every minute of being a mommy - it's wonderful, beautiful and so fulfilling. It's the other day to day shit that gets in my way. You know cooking, cleaning, working........all the mundane crap. If only I could win the lottery!

If anyone has any ideas for juggling it all then I'm all ears! I read other mommy blogs and these women are blogging every day.......I stand in awe. They talk about their eco-friendly cleaning tips and their cloth diapering. Their gourmet granola that is homeade and their sewing projects. Give me a break - am I just that bad at time management or are these women full of crap?? I mean really, after work, dinner, dishes, baths, homework, packing lunches, etc. who in holy hell has time to make "green" cleaning products??? "With just a smidge of dishwashing detergent and some lavender scented oil you can make car wax". "Watch me try it out on my husband's car....yes ladies I buff and wax my hubby's car every weekend". "Oh and I do it in heels and pearls". Seriously - kiss my sweat suit wearing ass!!

Okay - if you got this far I'm sorry........sorry for the rant and for my lack of motivational words. You can't always be Zig Zigler.

Just worn out....

2009-09-29T20:12:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have days where you are just tired. I absolutely love my life but I'm tired. I'm overworked in almost every facet of my life. I can't say underpaid because nothing is worth more than waking up in the morning and seeing my baby boy's smiling face. I know that i need to find a balance. I would like to think that I had balance before baby but I know that I didn't. Pre-baby it was all about me all the time. I juggled the hubby and the big kid but they could fend for themselves and truth be told, they enjoyed hanging out together. Mom's typically are a drag on farting contests and food fights. SO I spent a lot of time working on me. Now I don't have that time. I can't stop by the gym on the way home or spend 3 hours there on a Saturday morning. Heck most of the time I can't even get a shower in before Noon on the weekends!! I really thought that I would have a baby, bounce right back in to my 5 spin classes a week and never miss a beat. Hell I thought I would be back on a bike 2 weeks after having Will. What a joke - I couldn't even put together full sentences 2 weeks after I had him let alone hoist my sore butt up on a bike seat...........OUCH!!

Right now I'm at a place that I guess I just never imagined. I've been here before but my focus wasn't being healthy or thin so it didn't matter. When life got in the way before the only thing I missed was 1/2 price burger night at Sonic or the latest episode of Friends. Now I'm missing me and who I've been. Being healthy is like a drug.......once your knees have quit aching and you have more energy, it's like you crave it. DUH! Imagine that, my body screaming to take a load off??!

I'm working on food for the next couple of weeks and I'm doing good but I know that at some point I've got to fit in the exercise. Not necessarily to be a size 4 again but to be healthy. To live a long life for my kids and to be a good example for them. There isn't a lot attractive about a mom that can't chase her toddler or play ball with her elementary school child. That's just not the mom that I want to be. As much as I hate it I may really have to get up earlier and exercise.......I really am lazy by nature but it seems that early morning is my only free time. We'll see but for now I'm sticking to the diet and will be weighing in tomorrow. I'll report back as to how it goes.

(((HUGS)))

Adobe Huts

2009-09-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

So it's Friday night and I'm knee deep into making a cardboard replica of an adobe hut......why you ask?? Are you interested in the Jumano Indian tribe.....hmmmm, no can't say that I am. Do you enjoy crafting Native American replicas........uh that would be a negative. Well are you in 7th grade and failed to complete a huge project that was due today??? Nope not me but absolutely my kid. Ughhh.....the 12 year old had a huge Tx. History project due today and of course he chose Wednesday to start working on it. I may have to show him how the Indians did it and scalp him!! Geez!

In other news, well I don't really have other news. Things are plugging along as usual. The ususal chaos fills the house - barking dog, teething baby, hormonal teenager, in laws and a cranky hubby. Calgon take me away. In my quest to relax I escaped to the closet because that is where we keep the computer. I log on to Facebook to check on everything because there is way less drama on the internet. :) What do you think I find.......a husband and wife hurling insults at each other via their "walls". OMG - really, seriously - what are we in highschool. Why would you choose to air your dirty laundry on the internet.......especially on FB which, uh, happens to have as many users as the United STates has people. Good grief - get a grip folks! I guess it would be pretty entertaining if I wasn't just so done with drama. Kind of like your own "As The World Turns".

Things are going good on the eating front. I'm not nearly as disciplined as I used to be but that will come. I'm doing my best to steer clear of the carbs because that is my weakness. Hi my name is Stephanie and I'm a carb addict - yep that is me. I love me some bread or cookies or muffins or pretzels or pasta.......oh Lord I have to stop before I go into a carb coma! We'll see how nice the scale decides to be on Tuesday......I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hopefully I can keep my lips closed so I don't shove anything into this over zealous piehole of mine!

Gotta run - the first coat of mud on the hut is dried and it's time to slap on another coat. Yay - good times.

(((HUGS)))

Back on the wagon....AGAIN

2009-09-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

When I say back on the wagon I'm talking about diet and blogging. Well I hope I mean blogging. It seems that lately blogging is as distant as my good eating habits. I have been so engulfed in all things baby that I've really forgotten about myself. I'm not upset or bitter about this because actually I rather like be all mommy...all the time. My husband; however, would like to have his wife back on occasion. He has no issue with my weight or eating habits but rather with my lack of "me". I admit that most conversations revolve around baby poop, baby food, baby milestones or some other adorable thing that Will does. My brain has gone to baby and rest of me still looks pregnant. I'm in a bit of a mess but never fear......barbie aka trixie is back. I may be a more toned down trixie but nevertheless I'm BACK! So my plan for now is to start making small changes - there is no possible way that one can revert back to clean eating in one day. So for now I'm cutting out processed carbs - unless you count the half an oatmeal raisin cookie that I just ate. See......this is going to take work but it is really important to me to be a healthy, non-frumpy mom. God I've never worn workout pants and t-shirts so much in my life. BLAH!!

So that's it in nutshell. I'm back......mommy gut and all. Now wish me luck as I start the trek back to barbieville.

A long time coming.....update and pics

2009-07-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

Not sure if anyone ever comes over here anymore but I thought it was worth a shot. Lets see - how are things in Barbieville??? Going good for the most part. Will is growing like a week and in just a few days he will be 7 months old. He has said his first word (mama by the way), is drinking out of a sippy cup and is almost mobile (God help me!). I feel like the days are slipping by and no matter how hard I try I can't soak up enough of him and his babyhood. Every moment that he is awake is a new adventure and I spend most of my time trying to enjoy every minute that I have.

As great as things have been there have also been some scares. We lost my husband's sister to cancer on March 19th - her 41st birthday. We spent the week before her death in Boston so that she could meet Will. While we were there Will didn't poop - I attributed that to the traveling but when we got home and he still didn't poop, I got worried. We took him to the pediatrician who sent him to a specialist who then proceeded to do a biopsy of his intestines. Long story short - a lot of money and worry later and our boy is okay - they don't know what is wrong with him but he is okay.........he still doesn't poop regularly but they think it is probably an allergy to something that I'm eating and he should grow out of it or it will get better when I wean him.

At Will's 4 month appointment his pediatrian noticed that his head was flat on the left side. I had mentioned this at his 3 month checkup but she didn't seem concerned. Well by the next month she was worried. She sent us to a cranial orthoist who diagnosed him with plagiocephaly, braciocephaly and torticollis. Their recomended course of treatment was physical therapy for the torticollis (shortened neck muscle) and a helmet for his head. So I spent the next few weeks crying my eyes out at the thought of putting my infant son in a helmet during the hotter than hell Texas summers. After consulting a physical therapist and getting his therapy started we were relieved to see that his head was filling out. My boy still doesn't have a Charlie Brown head but we're getting there.

So where am I in all of this - a little frazzled, a little worried and a lot fat. As much as I have tried to watch what I eat, I have also gotten lazy. I grab pretzels for a snack instead of fruit - I don't work out EVER - I eat a couple pieces of chocolate every day. The problem is that when I don't eat enough, I don't make milk - there is some kind of fine balancing act that no one taught me how to do. For most people, breastfeeding is the ultimate diet tool - I hear women who say "oh I ate whatever I wanted and the weight fell off" or "oh I've never eaten so much in my life" - you know what I say - SCREW YOU! I'm eating decent and can't shed a pound.......it really drives me crazy but I plan to wean Will in the next month and I'll get back on the horse. Now to find my motivation within the next month.

So that is what is going on in my little corner of the world - things are great and my butt is huge. On a good note - I do have porn star boobs right now! :)

An actual update....

2009-03-02T13:44:00.000-08:00

Finally an update. I know, I know – I’ve been gone FOREVER but I had no idea how all consuming motherhood is. WOW – I run from the moment I get up (most mornings at 6:00 a.m.) until I drop into bed at around 10:30 p.m. Since starting back to work I feel like I need to spend every second that I can with my little guy. That means that my usual form of exercise is breastfeeding and running up and down the stairs a zillion times. I occasionally do bundle Will up for a walk but that is few and far between. To tell you the truth, as anxious as I am to fit back into my size 4’s, I’m not willing to sacrifice the time with him. I feel good about being a mommy and I refuse to put off playing Will for a spin class. Not right now. I’m sure I’ll get back into my groove at some point but NOTHING beats watching his face light up when I get home from work. So for right now I’m trying to watch what I eat and just play it by ear. I am still breastfeeding some but I don’t think that is helping my weight. In fact I know it isn’t. It may be because we are having to supplement due to low supply……evidently PCOS is not kind to moms who want to breastfeed. I’ve been taking all kinds of stinky herbs, eating oatmeal and drinking water but it isn’t really helping. I’m not sure what else to do but to give him what I can and supplement where it’s needed.

As for Will, what can I say except that he is the joy of my life. Before he was born I spent so much time worrying that he wouldn’t like me or that I wouldn’t like being a mom. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be good at it or that the lifestyle change would short circuit me (I HATE change). The truth is that it has been exactly the opposite. God I can’t even put into words how in love I am with my little love bug. There are days that I am exhausted and there are days that I feel so disconnected from Rich but they are getting further and further apart. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband but there are times when I want to curl up with Will and just spend the whole day staring at him. I want to keep him all to myself and not share him. J I used to love being busy but now I feel the need to slow things down and try to enjoy the moment. Things like Will singing with me in the morning, the way he curls up against my chest when I pick him up. Or the sleepy look that he gives when I wake him up in the mornings. He is really such a happy baby and I am constantly amazed at how incredibly blessed I am. He was worth every treatment, every tear, every pound, every sleepless night. There is nothing that compares to holding my son in my arms.

Okay I need to get back to work now but I promise to update again soon.

(((HUGS)))

Pictures

2009-02-27T13:07:00.000-08:00

He is here!

2008-12-26T12:14:00.000-08:00

Sorry for not posting sooner but things have been a little hectic. Baby Will arrived safely on the 18th with only 4 hours of labor and 30 minutes of pushing......his mommy was so happy that things went so smoothly. We did have some dips in his heartrate which sent everyone into a tailspin but we got it back up and he made it here with nothing more than a cone head! He weighed a whopping 6 pounds even and was 19 and a half inches long - can someone please tell me where the other 54 pounds came from?? Just kidding - I am absolutely, totally head over heels in love with him......I can't imagine what I ever did without him!

I feel great and we were released from the hospital on Saturday - just in time for all the Christmas festivities. Thank you all for your prayers and your support. He is an absolute miracle and I can't believe that he is mine! I promise to update soon but for now the breastfeeding is keeping me pretty tied up. I know why they say you lose weight while breastfeeding - geez you have no time to eat yourself! I hope you all had a great Christmas and I have a ton of pictures to share!!

(((HUGS))) from Baby Will's mommy!

Let the countdown begin!

2008-12-04T12:17:00.001-08:00

14 days and counting to be exact - yep, we are having a baby on the 18th of this month!! Oh my gosh!!! I am still sitting here in absolute disbelief at the thought of holding my little boy in 2 weeks. I can't even begin to describe what an amazing, incredible, frightening, difficult yet completely worth it journey that infertility and pregnancy has been. On top of the 60 pounds - yep I said 60 - that I've gained there is so much more. Amazing things have transpired in my life over the last 30 months - I've experienced some of the greatest sadness and joys of my life.......all wrapped up in 30 months. My hubby and I have become so much closer, more in love and truly best friends. I've learned to ask for help and to let other love me. I had no idea what kind of journey we would be on when we decided to start "trying". I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade one day of it for anything in the world. The truth is.......God does always know what is best for us.

According to Dr. H, Will is low and I'm about a fingertip dilated. Nothing to really write home about even though I've been having contractions for the last several days. My blood pressure is still good and other than the scale creeping up like crazy I have no complaints.

I finally got my new camera so I really need to get my butt in gear and get some pictures of the nursery - maybe I'll work on that this weekend. Oh I also need to pack my bags, have the car detailed and put together the various baby contraptions that we have. Oh and attend my 6th and final baby shower on Sunday - man this is going to be a busy 2 weeks!!

Thank you all so much for your support while I've been on this journey. I'm really going to need a kick in the butt to get back in shape once this baby is here so please stick around!

(((HUGS)))

Quick Update

2008-11-23T07:09:00.000-08:00

Not sure if anyone even comes around anymore but I just wanted to give a quick update. Work has blocked Blogger so it's hard for me to get updates together right now. Baby WIll and I are doing fine and everyone is betting that i don't make it until Christmas? We'll see I guess? I have dropped and have had some contractions but that means nothing especially since I was almost three weeks late and my mom was in labor for 3 days. Yeah, I was a real sweet kid, huh??

Speaking of my birth, today is my 30th birthday and I feel so incredibly blessed. A baby on the way, a great family, an amazing hubby and a new house.........what more could I ask for?? Oh and I got breakfast in bed this morning and the hubby bought me a strand of pearls - yep I cried!

In other news - baby Will is growing like crazy and so am I. We just had maternity pictures taken on Saturday and I'm amazed at how HUGE I look.......I'm okay with it but I am anxious to meet my little boy.......less than 5 weeks to go! Everything is ready to go with the exception of my bags being packed. I'll save that for next weekend. Christmas shopping is done, nursery is done, 5 baby showers completed - yep, I had 5 and I have one more on December 7th. People have been so generous and we are running out of room for all the stuff that this little guy has accumulated! He is going to be one spoiled little boy!

Gotta run and get ready for church but I'll try to get pictures of the nursery up asap.

(((HUGS)))

For Swizzlepop

2008-10-27T12:48:00.001-07:00

Your comment made me cry cause I miss you so much!! At least email me and let me know how things are going. We're soul sisters, remember!! :~)

(((HUGS)))

I LOVE the scale!

2008-10-27T12:41:00.000-07:00

Finally I had an appointment with NO, yep I said NO, weight gain!! I have been trying so hard to watch my calories and eat healthy and finally I feel like it paid off. The funny thing is that I did almost zero walking over the last 3 weeks. Between being sick and then just being plain busy, I became a slacker. I'm really hoping that the next 8 weeks go just like the last 3-4 have. Great progress with the baby and good healthy appointments for me. Baby Will is head down and the doc says he looks perfect.

I went to a breastfeeding class on Saturday and got some great information. I'm hoping that I can breastfeed but I'm not going to fall apart if I can't. There are so many health benefits for the baby and mom, that I would feel crazy to not at least give it a shot. The only thing that I'm worried about is Rich's involvment. He is such a hands on kind of dad and is adamant that he get his time with Will. I'm hoping that after the first couple of weeks we can work on him bottle feeding at least once a day. They say you should wait four weeks but by then I may be a total mess?? Guess we'll have to see how it plays out.

Okay gotta get back to work - the days aren't long enough anymore!

(((HUGS)))

Weigh In

2008-10-24T10:48:00.001-07:00

As of yesterday Baby Will weighs 3 pounds and 11 ounces. Everything is right on schedule with the exception of his nursery. I haven't gotten a thing done since my SIL left to go home....this baby will be here in less than 9 weeks and I'm dragging my feet on finishing stuff up. On top of nursery "to do's" I have holidays, birthdays, 2 showers, maternity pictures, football games and 2 classes at the hospital to take - all before Christmas! I'm starting to hyperventilate a little so I'm going to cut this short and bring the paper bag up to my mouth now........breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

(((HUGS)))

Quick Update and A Trip to the Doctor

2008-10-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

A quick update – what’s been going on in my world?? Well Rich’s sister was in town for 2 weeks visiting. It was so nice to have her here but so sad to see her leave. Especially knowing that she is so sick……sometimes it’s difficult to understand why we are chosen to bear the crosses that we bear. She is such an amazing woman, wife, friend, mom, daughter, sister……it doesn’t seem fair. I have to say that she showed me what true strength is – WOW. She refuses to quit or lay down……she’ll fight with everything in, until the end. While Tracy (DH sister) was here, we had a small family baby shower. It was so much fun and getting to see everyone was such a great gift in itself. On top of that we got loads of presents, including our swing, pack and play, bouncer, blankets, baby monitor, money – the list goes on. It was just so much fun and so hard to believe that we have so many people who care about us! That was actually shower #2 as the girls at the gym got together and threw me a shower too. There we got diapers, clothes, blankets and toys……we are already on baby overload and we have 2 more showers to go! Baby Will will want for nothing, I’m sure.

In other news, things are going well in pregnancy land. I’m 29 and a half week – I can’t believe I’m almost ¾ of the way done! I don’t know what I gained at my last appointment because I wouldn’t look. I’ve been really enjoying being pregnant and I refuse to let a number steal the last little snippets of this time. Baby has been moving like a crazy man for the most part. Well except for last week when we had a little scare. I was sick with a sinus infection so I called the doctor’s office to try to get in. They asked how Will’s activity was and I told them that he hadn’t been moving much. At that point I was instructed to come straight to the doctor’s office – do not pass go, do not collect $200. I get there only to have to wait for an hour in the waiting room……I was freaking out at this point. That hour was pure torture but I finally got back in to the sonogram room and we found his heartbeat right away. He was really comfy because even when the tech shook my belly, Will wasn’t moving. He would do the occasional get out of my face movement but other than that – nothing. It wasn’t 3 hours later though and he was doing his usual gymnastics. I was so glad to know that he was okay….talk about relief. I did find out that he weighs 2lbs. 10oz. so far. This is right on target so things are going well.

Last thing – Will’s room is really coming along. We have all the furniture in, now Rich just has to assemble it. The cradle is almost done and it is beautiful! I still need to stencil the frogs and turtles on the wall but that is all that is lacking in the painting department….it won’t be long and we will have a nursery in our house for OUR baby!! I still can’t believe that I am finally having a baby……after all of the tears and trials our dream is coming true!

Okay enough dreaming – I have a budget meeting in 19 minutes that I have to make it to.

(((HUGS)))

Where Will currently sleeps and where he will sleep when he arrives...

2008-09-24T08:19:00.000-07:00

First are belly pictures - please excuse my appearance......it was a LONG day! These pictures are at 26 weeks & 5 days - exactly 4 weeks since the last group was taken.

The last picture is a picture of the cradle that Will's grandpa is building for him. It is absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to be rocking a baby in it!!

Okay I really have to get to work now! (((HUGS)))

Picture Overload

2008-09-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

So here are a few pictures of the nursery - before and after paint and chair railing. We still have to stencil in the frogs and lily pads but that won't be until my sister in law leaves from her visit. We did want to get some cheery paint and new lighting up though. That room was so dark before! Oh and after 5 hours my hubby got Will's dresser together. I felt really bad for him because they had drilled some of the pieces incorrectly so it was quite the frustrating ordeal for him but in the end it came out beautiful.

Oh and the pictures arent' that great - my camera was almost dead so the pics look a bit faded.

More pictures in the next post!

So this is probably stupid but I need advice

2008-09-19T13:30:00.000-07:00

As everyone knows this is my first child but not my hubby's. Over the last few months, I've endured many mentions of "remember when Nathan was born". I've also listened to my husband tell me how we didn't need this or that because they didn't use it with Nathan - I finally had enough when we went to register and I broke down. I realize that he has done this before and I know that I'll never see the look on his face when he is presented with his first son......Will will be his second son - it won't be the spectacular miracle that it was for him the first time - we won't share that same wonder. That makes me sad but I'm dealing with it - I know that Rich will love Will with all of his heart but I also know that I will continue to endure the constant comparision of DH's first son to Will. Not just by my husband but also his parents.........I can live with that as long as Will doesn't ever feel like he is living in Nate's shadow.

Okay so on to my real problem - I have the option to deliver at 2 different hospitals that are right across the street from each other. One hospital is where Nathan was born and is where my doctor's office is. The other is a smaller hospital but has good care. The doctor delivers at both but would prefer that I deliver where his office is located for convenience sake. My issue is that I don't want to have to worry about whether my husband is thinking about his first wife and his first son the whole time I'm having Will. I guess I just want this experience to have some sort of uniqueness for us.......at least at a different hospital I won't have to hear "oh this is where we did this or that" or "do you remember when Nathan was born and we were here"........I want for once during this pregnancy for Rich and I to experience something completely "new" together - even if it is just a hospital room.

So is that stupid.......should I just opt for the hospital where my doc would prefer I deliver??

Survey says???

2008-09-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

So in looking at diaper bags, which do you guys like best?? They lady that custom makes them can applique a number of animals in place of the airplane on the 1st bag. So we could get a frog or turtle or dinosaur if that is what we wanted. So what do you guys think???

26 Weeks....

2008-09-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

Time seems to be flying by and I'm getting more nervous about being unprepared. Of course that is a fairly irrational thought because, trust me, we will be ready for Will's arrival. In fact, hubby and my dad are in the process of painting Will's room today....that will leave only the chair rail and stenciling to be done on the walls. Those things will be finished after Rich's sister leaves in a couple of weeks.

As for me physically, I'm feeling good most days. I'm starting to get really tired again but I'm not sleeping well. There is no comfortable position to get into for more than an hour or so. Oh not to mention the hundred bathroom trips that I have to make on a nightly basis. I'm thinking I'll be really used to this crazy no sleep thing by the time the baby gets here?

On a fun note, Baby Will moves a lot! In fact there have been a few times when I think he has actually tried to take out a rib or two. He must be a strong little boy...guess all that laziness and rest during the first 23-24 weeks helped him build big muscles? And for the record, this baby is just like his mommy - loves food! When I eat he goes crazy!

Speaking of food - I have my doctor's appt. in 2 weeks and I'm dreading the scale. Let's just say that 2 baby showers in one month is a bad idea! Too much cake!! I have finally purged my house of the evil devices but not by the modern practices like throwing it away - nope by much more traditional methods - like EATING it! But WOW it was good. Chocolate/Vanilla marble with strawberry filling and whipped cream icing.......now come on, who could say no to that?? So for the next two weeks I've got to step it up and get my butt back in gear. That means no less than 4 trips to the gym a week and no more sugar! I stocked up on apples and VitaTops.......they aren't marble cake with strawberry filling but they also aren't 500 calories a slice! The next shower is on the 28th of this month and I'm sooo excited about it. This one will have our families and my husband's sister from Boston. I can't wait to see everyone and just hang out. We kind of opted to do a really casual baby shower/lunch so that everyone can enjoy seeing Tracy (DH's sis) and rub the belly.

Okay guess I should get to work - I have pictures of the nursery before and hopefully today I'll have pictures of it painted......we are going with Cocoa Butter on the top of the walls and Big Sky on the bottom with a white chair rail seperating the 2. So think creamy sunshine yellow on the top and baby boy blue on the bottom. Of course then I have to go in and stencil in the lily pad/frogs and pussy willows. I hope it turns out well!

Talk to you all soon!!

(((HUGS)))

Good news, bad news & baby furniture....

2008-09-08T10:56:00.000-07:00

Wow it's hard to believe that I have 108 days left until this little boy is due to arrive!! It just seems almost unbelievable that I'm over half way done......where does the time go??

Sorry for not updating sooner but things have been busy as usual. Between school, doctor visits, work and just the day to day grind I've been super busy.

Speaking of doctor visits - we went for our checkup and gestational diabetes test......the good news is I PASSED MY TEST!! No diabetes for me - thank you Lord! I think I had convinced myself that I had it because of my past issues so I was shocked when everything came back good. The bad news - I gained 10 pounds in a month!! I would have cried but there wasn't time. The nurse started hunting for Will's hearbeat and couldn't find it. This kid is stubborn! So she left to get the doctor and I was too worried to cry about something stupid like 10 pounds. I did talk to the doc about the gain because I've been eating super healthy and working out at least 4 times a week. He tells me I'm healthy and not to worry so much - I'm glad that he isn't yelling at me but I wish he could explain to me why I'm blowing up like this - his response is that some women gain faster than others......gee, aren't I a lucky girl! Other than that, Baby Will but I'm measuring a couple of weeks ahead. Seems that my uterus is tilted to the left so baby is all up on the left side and boy can I tell! You know my uterus is the size of a soccer ball - sorry if that is TMI but WOW!

One more thing - we were able to pick up Will's crib and dresser this weekend - I love it (pic is below).

(((HUGS)))

Pictures of Baby Will via my belly!

2008-08-26T10:19:00.001-07:00

Here is the side profile of Baby Will at 22weeks and 5days. Oh and I didn't think it was possible after weighing almost 400 pounds but it is........what is possible you ask???? You CAN get NEW stretchmarks!!!

This is the front view - scary sight, huh?? I'm going as a pumpkin for Halloween!

I go for my gestational diabetes test on Friday so send some good thoughts my way. I know it's a little early but with my history he wanted to start testing early. Just keep your fingers crossed that I will pass! I'll update more on Friday!

(((HUGS)))

Why we thought our he was a she??

2008-08-06T07:52:00.001-07:00

Hey guys - thanks so much for all the great comments on names. I never thought about the confusion on the middle name - thanks for pointing that out. We may have to rethink this name thing?? At least we have a few more months to decide.

I've had a couple people ask me why we were so convinced that this baby was a girl....honestly, I always pictured myself with a daughter, every dream that I've had has included a daughter and my hubby's siblings all have a boy and a girl so we just assumed that this would be a girl.

I wanted a daughter because I'm an only child and I know the incredible bond that I have with my mother but I also know how much of a daddy's girl I am. I also worry that with DH's son having such a special place in his grandparent's and dad's heart that this baby wouldn't be as loved if it was a boy (okay I'm still worried about that one a little). My stepSON (I hate using that word so I'm only using for clarification) is such a great kid and he and his dad are incredibly close - a lot of time I'm the tag along and feel left out - I'm just the lady in the kitchen making dinner so I was really hoping to have a little girl to kind of even the playing field. Of course all my friends with boys and girls tell me that their boys love them so much and they are totally devoted to their moms.......we'll see though, I have some stiff competition in my husband. He really is an incredible dad - it's one of the reasons that I fell in love with him.

Nursery Decor & Names

2008-08-05T07:54:00.000-07:00

Hi all! Thank you all so much for your sweet comments on our baby boy. I have to say that the hubby and I are much better now that we have gotten used to the idea. It's funny how you plan out your life and never give a thought to the fact that it might not really turn out like that.......we just always planned to have a girl and to hear we were having a boy really threw us for a loop. We are great now and are excited that our little boy will be here in just a few months.

I didn't update on my weight gain because the gender news was much more important but I had gained 5 pounds. Much better than last time but geez - I'm going to spin classes, walking and even went hiking one day while camping. The doc isn't worried and just keeps telling me that some people are prone to gain more than others - I guess??? Speaking of spin classes, I'm not sure how much longer I can hang in there. The bike is getting more and more uncomfortable and I'm having a harder time fitting between the seat and the handlebars.....my goal is to make it 6 more weeks and then I'll probably have to give in and stick with walking :(

On to names - we are thinking of William Davis and calling him Davis. This is a family name and would honor my dad and my great grandfather. We've also thought of Lucas William and calling him Luke. Anybody have any other suggestions?? We aren't really in to trendy names so that cuts out a lot of the cutesy names that are popular right now. We also like Gavin, Aaron and Grant.......let me know what you think.

Last thing - here is our nursery decor - we're going to paint the top 3/4 of the wall a butter yellow and the bottom a soft blue. We're going to stamp lily pads and frogs on the bottom half and paint willow stalks on the yellow - to give it a "pond like" appearance. The hubby has been so great and he is willing to do anything that I ask of him - man I hope he stays like this after the baby gets here??? :-)

(((HUGS))) to all!!

Talk about the shock of my life!!

2008-08-01T12:06:00.001-07:00

The hubby and I got to the doc's office fully expecting things to go just as we planned - we were going a beautiful, healthy baby girl around Christmas time. Well we got one part right - we got healthy but our baby is all BOY! We were both shocked, our families were shocked and I'd be lying if I didn't say that I cried a little. It's hard to think of never playing with dolls or painting toenails - I don't really know what to do with a boy and hubby and his son are so close that I already feel a little left out. Hubby was a bit sad too - he really wanted a little princess to twirl around and play with. Don't get me wrong - we are so thrilled that we are having a baby and I thank God everyday that he is healthy and strong. But this is it - this little boy completes our family so I will be the mother of a son rather than a daughter - not how I planned it out but perfect regardless.

So now I have to figure out a boy's name - I'm not joking when i say that we had a girl's name picked out, clothes, nursery stuff - all in girl.

For Matty (Get My Point)

2008-07-31T09:59:00.000-07:00

This is soooo adorable - I can totally see Rosie parading around like a peacock!

Pink or Blue???

2008-07-31T07:42:00.000-07:00

We'll know tomorrow morning - stay tuned for the BIG news!!

I am such an ungrateful wife.....

2008-07-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I forgot to post about my surprise that DH gave me!!! I'm awful because it was really, incredibly sweet. So I have been struggling with my appearance and the whole weight gain thing.....hubby tells me everyday that I'm beautiful but I feel fat and frumpy most of the time. Regular clothes don't fit and neither do maternity clothes - I mean, NO ONE told me that my excess skin was going to fill out aka my pannus. It's gross - really gross and I hate it....I love the bump that is growing up top but having 15 pounds of excess skin hanging is not a pretty sight - okay sorry - I've gone off on a Barbie tangent as usual.

So, I've been feeling pretty crummy. I go from feeling totally ugly to feeling completely undeserving of this pregnancy and guilty for not just basking in the glow of finally being pregnant. That coupled with swelling and fatigue has made me a bit teary for the most part. Well about 3 weeks ago I noticed a strange charge on the hubby's credit card - $160 to be exact. I called him and questioned it, to which he responded, I bought you a present. Now hubby occasionally brings flowers or a card but he isn't a real gift giver with the exception of birthdays, anniversary, christmas. I NEVER expected a gift from him. So he says it won't be ready for a week or so and I'm thinking dear god what has he done??? A week passes by and he is like a schoolboy. I get home from work and he has me sit on the couch with my eyes closed. Out he comes all sing songy and busting at the seams - I open my eyes and started crying immediately. He took my magazine cover and had it framed - it was beautiful and just that he thought of it meant so much to me. Of course then he starts telling me that the woman on that cover is the same person that is standing in front of him only now I'm more beautiful because I'm carrying our child - that he is so proud to be my husband......I can't remember all of it but it was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me - somedays I really love that guy!

Life Lessons on Losing and Love

2008-07-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

I know that most of you may not want to read this – it isn’t about weight loss or exercise or food logs. This post is more for my own benefit – see I am at a place where I have never been. So many dreams are being fulfilled and I’m excited and terrified all at the same time. Some days I want to forget the struggle of infertility but then other days I think of how strong it has made both DH and I. This is the story of 1 day – 1 breakdown. It also happens to be the month before we found out we were pregnant……..this is the month that we decided maybe, just maybe it wasn’t going to happen for a while. In the span of one day I learned how to let go of a dream and begin the grieving process. I think I cried most of the day….no more like I screamed and wailed most of the day. I’m not an overly religious person but on that day I remember screaming in the parking lot at work – “GOD, WHY???” I told my mom that I felt cut off – like I was rattling the windows of Heaven without any answer…….I had spent months of my life begging and pleading for just one baby – just the experience of positive pregnancy test – just to see the tears in my husband’s eyes when I told him. Yet on this day (March 12th by the way) I felt like a failure – I felt broken both physically and emotionally. Let me kind of start from the beginning.

Rich and I had been trying for 20 months…..it doesn’t ever get easier and trust me, sex is no fun at that point. I was obsessed with getting pregnant. Reading every book, website, article on the topic of PCOS and infertility. I had been on so many synthetic hormones that I couldn’t even keep up – my body was tired and bloated. This day – March 12th was to tell us if the hormones worked – if all my hard work and scheduled sex and hot flashes and weight gain had been worth anything. I go in get my sonogram – they don’t see any eggs – do a blood draw and promise to call that afternoon. They did call and I think all I heard was it didn’t work. I tried to hold it together but the tears came like a flood. I ran from my office and looked for safety in the parking lot – of course my boss comes out at that moment and asks what is going on. I couldn’t share this with him – no one could understand my grief. I tried to calm myself and called the hubby. He was, of course, supportive and sympathetic but he had been struggling with the fact that what we had then was no longer enough. He took my want to have a baby as a slight to him – like he wasn’t enough. We had a huge fight that night and I remember just begging him to leave me alone in my sorrow – I called my mom and for the first time since I heard the news I found comfort. I felt guilty that my husband couldn’t comfort me but I just needed my mom. Rich came in later and we talked – I told him that I felt so alone and scared – I was confused and because I had grown up religious I felt like I was being punished. My husband is not religious so he doesn’t understand that aspect of my heart. I explained to him that I just needed someone to love me and pray for me – I didn’t fault him for not being that person but I knew that he wasn’t. It was a great conversation and a traumatic day – one that I can’t/won’t ever forget – one that makes me cry even now as I type this.

The beautiful ending to this story is that the next month we found out that we were pregnant – totally unexpected too. The night that we found out that a baby was coming, my husband looked at me and said the sweetest thing he has ever said to me. He told me that he prayed for me……..in that moment I understood what lessons I needed to learn through this experience……I realized how much stronger my marriage was and I knew that this was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with.

So all of that being said – if you got this far, I’m sorry. Again, this was more for my own benefit – I don’t want to ever forget the struggles that brought us to this place – I want to always be thankful for the hardships, lessons, love and blessings that I have been given.

Not sure how to deal with this....opinions please

2008-07-14T10:05:00.000-07:00

So I have received a few rude comments from those that I work with....my favorite is probably, "your hips are getting wide" or the "are you having twins??" comments. I'm not kidding when i say that I get at least 2 comments a day - 2 RUDE comments a day. Now I realize that I have been at my job for almost 9 years and so everyone and their mom knows that I'm pregnant. Most people also know that I used to weigh 385 pounds and lost weight but does that give them the right to make random, rude comments?? I love being pregnant (for the most part) and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world but i would be lying if I said that I didn't have a meltdown at the doc's office on Friday when I stepped on the scale. Weight gain is rough - I know it's necessary but it doesn't change the games that it plays with my head. That being said - I have come up with a few responses to the rude comments.....please leave a comment if you can think of any other good zingers to throw back at these people.

At least I’m pregnant – what’s your excuse?

I’m having a big bad boy who will come kick your ass when he’s older!

As a matter of fact, I’m having triplets so I look pretty damn good then!

I’m putting my baby up for adoption and would rather not discuss my current state (that’ll make ‘em feel bad!)

Now I want to say THANK YOU for all your comments - they made me cry on a really rough day. Like I said - Friday was not a good day. First I had to stand on the scale and see that I had gained 13 pounds in 4 weeks - the doc swears that there is no way?? I honestly haven't changed my eating from the last appointment but I haven't been exercising as much so maybe that is it?? I've also been swelling really badly so I'm thinking some of it might be water?? So yeah, I freaked out and cried and cried and cried. My poor hubby.......then the doc came in and they had a really hard time finding the heartbeat.....the longest 5 minutes of my life. That helped put the weight gain in perspective but after that appointment I was pretty wiped out. Your comments really helped me smile and made me feel so much better about myself so THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!

(((HUGS)))

Belly Pics

2008-07-10T07:15:00.000-07:00

So after much procrastination here are some belly pics! The first 2 are at 15 weeks and the last 2 are at 11 weeks.......can you say whoa belly!!

So I've been a bad blogger

2008-07-09T07:04:00.000-07:00

I know that I've been gone for what seems like forever but I feel like the days aren't long enough anymore! I do have pictures and even got the software installed on my computer but didn't bring the right cables to work so I'm going to try to post them tomorrow. Not that I'm dying to post pictures of my growing belly but bloggers everywhere wanna know - LOL!

So let me kind of bullet point the last few weeks of my life - here goes:

1. I will be 16 weeks pregnant, tomorrow! I can't believe how quickly it seems to be moving but at the same time it seems to move at a snails pace. You know those times when you get up 5 times a night to pee, your tailbone hurts if you sit down and your feet swell if you stand??? Yeah, those times make it seem like an eternity but the rest of the time has been smooth sailing.

2. Swelling - ummmmm, yeah. That's pretty nasty by the end of the day. I've always been prone to it but with the heat and pregnancy.........let's just say I resemble a marshmallow at the end of the day - not pretty!

3. No real cravings other than cereal and milk. Oh and the occassional want of chinese food but really nothing crazy yet. I feel like I've done well this month with weight gain but we'll see come Friday when I go to the doctor's office. I did have my blood glucose checked at my last appointment and they said it was perfect - yay!!

4. I wish I could give a glowing gym report but in all honesty, I suck right now. I'm tired and always have so much going on. I haven't had a free weekend since we moved and the 2 Saturday mornings when I did - I slept late.......I have to get back in the groove. I miss it for the most part and I know I will feel better if I "JUST DO IT"!

5. We are moved and the Summer is in full swing - the kiddo is driving me crazy with all of his activities and the hubby's work schedule has been completely out of whack. Oh, and I seriously need a vacation!!

So that is it in a nutshell. There a thousand other boring details that I could give you a report of but I'll spare everyone. Oh, one last thing - I do have a blog for jellybean where I update on pregnancy stuff (not that I've done that lately either!) so if you want to stop in you can - the site is journeyofajellybean.blogspot.com

Okay - I'm off to catch up and update the other site.

(((HUGS)))

After 16 hours it's over!

2008-06-17T19:07:00.000-07:00

Okay gotta be fast since I'm surrounded by boxes and I should really be unpacking. I just wanted to let everyone that we are moved.......well most of the way. The poor hubby spent all day and I mean 16 hours kind of all day, moving us. It was hot and we were exhausted but for the most part we are in! Now to finish out the week of repairs on the old house, cleaning the old house and a few odd jobs - then we are officially closing on the cracker jack box next Monday. Who would have thought that in the span of 6 weeks I would find out that I'm pregnant, sell 2 houses, buy a house and move the in-laws and my family.........and ALL in the first trimester when I basically felt like crap the whole time.

So on to fun stuff - the doctor's appointment went great. We have ONE very healthy baby with a heartbeat of 166 bpm. He/she was squirming all over and appeared to be pretty happy to be on camera. Oh and I only gained 4 pounds in 5 weeks. So that brings me to 12 freakin pounds in 12 weeks but I'm just glad that it wasn't 8 like my first appt. The doc came in and said my weight was great and all looked wonderful so what more could I ask for. Well, as soon as we were done I was asking for FOOD. I was starved so I had hubby stop for food - that probably blew my good gain out the window but I figure I have 4 weeks to be good so I could afford 1 splurge. Unfortunately, 1 splurge turned into 5 days worth........not bad but not great and more chips and salsa than I care to talk about. But today I'm back in the groove - it's amazing how much being out of a routine can throw you off.

Okay gotta sign off and get some stuff unpacked - I need clean clothes for work tomorrow and I've got no idea what box they are in........oh the joys of moving!

HUGS to all of you and I promise to catch up soon!

This is so me!

2008-06-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

Just breathe....

2008-06-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow begins the big event - we close on our new house tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. Then Friday is our ultrasound and then the move starts. I'm not sure how I'm going to get everything accomplished but it will get done one way or the other. I'm hoping by Tuesday of next week to be all in one house and weeding through boxes......crossing my fingers.

A couple of things to note - I have gotten back into my spin class on Saturday morning and Monday evening. Talk about a butt whipping! I feel great afterwards but I'm usually pooped.

In spite of my workouts I still seem to be putting on weight at an alarming rate. Now I know I'm OCD but I'm talking 8 to 10 pounds since my last visit (4 weeks ago). Somehow that does not seem normal to me. I'm a little concerned because the doc let me drop the blood sugar meds and now I'm freaking out about gestational diabetes. I'm trying to watch the carb intake some.........I've been eating way too much cereal and watermelon and brownie mix and bread.......hmmmm, come to think of it maybe that would explain my weight gain??? On a more exciting note - I'm finally looking pregnant rather than fat. In fact, a kid at the grocery store the other day actually asked me if I was having a boy or a girl.......I didn't tell him that it was too early to tell. I actually have some pictures from Sunday (11 weeks) that I need to post. Of course my incredibly empathetic hubby decides to pose me in front of the fridge saying "that is where the best lighting is".....yeah right, calling BS on that!

We also have our ultrasound on Friday so they should confirm 1 baby and take some measurements. I'm excited to hear a heartbeat and actually get some good pictures - the first one was just kind of a blob floating around black goo.........although I was incredibly thankful that our "blob" aka jellybean had a nice fluttering heartbeat!

I'll keep you all updated and until then {{{HUGS}}}

I hope our baby has his butt....

2008-06-03T14:46:00.000-07:00

Because if he or she doesn't - I'm not going to be able to get this kid out! Is it humanly possible to carry a baby in your backside??? I have gone from "some" junk in the trunk to SALLY the FREAKIN' CAMEL. I realize what is causing this and I wish that I could honestly blame it on being pregnant but the truth is I have been abducted by aliens. Aliens that only serve cereal and milk - oh and dry brownie mix. Yes, I've been eating it by the spoonful out of the box.......not the cereal but the brownie mix! Classy, huh?? I do great during the day but about 7:00 I turn into a maniac......it's that classic boredom eating and it's a bad habit. I'm hoping with the move I will get so busy in the evenings that I won't have time to graze?? I guess we will see how bad the damage is next Friday - my next doctor's appt. I get there and get that same sweaty palm, heart racing feeling that I got when I was overweight and had to go to the doctor......dreading the scale the whole way! Other than being pregnant, selling a house, buying a house and having a sleepover with 6 little boys this weekend there isn't much going on.......LOL!

Hugs to all of you......love Sally the Camel and jellybean~

Heal the wound but leave the scar

2008-05-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

That is the title of a song that I heard this morning - needless to say I was crying by the time I got to the office! That phrase resonates so much truth in so many areas of my life - the first of these scars would be the obvious infertility - God only knows what this does to a woman, a wife, a husband, a marriage. It can truly make or break you and I think DH and I experienced a bit of both. I will forever bare the scars of infertility. Those scars are both good and bad - I will appreciate every moment of this pregnancy where others might not but I may always carry around a secret bit of bitterness at those who take the miracle of pregnancy for granted?

The real wounds and scars that I carry are those from the past and being overweight. So many times I have wondered why I couldn't just forget the fat girl, leave her behind and pretend that she never existed. I didn't want to remember drowning my sorrows in a double whopper with cheese and a large fry. I didn't want to remember being teased without mercy or worse than that, being invisible. Some days I want to pretend that I got asked out and had boyfriend and that people liked me. I want to pretend that I shopped in regular stores and wore cute clothes but those are all figments of my imagination. I never had those experiences. I spent the first 25 years of my life trapped inside a fat suit and slowly medicating myself with food. I never dealt with anything.

Since the weight loss I have spent agonizing hours trying to erase the past and morph into a different person. I have gone through phases of bitterness at how I was treated by society. I have looked in the mirror with self loathing at the skin and stretch marks. But today I realized that the hurt I still carry around is the wound......that needs to heal. I also realized that I don't want to lose who I was when I was overweight because that girl was still Stephanie. Part of who I am now is part of who I was then.

Losing weight has taught me so much about myself. Erasing that from my past would mean erasing all of the lessons that I have learned. The good ones like learning to trust myself, learning to love myself and learning what Stephanie really wanted. It also made me appreciate all that my body has done for me. I never want to forget where I came from or who I was.......I could stand to leave the pannus behind but the rest of it can stay!

Need some help from my techy friends

2008-05-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

I desperately need a new blogroll thing but of course this barbie is blogger challeneged. Anyone have an idea on how to create a new blog list??

Thanks!

Week 9 and I still just look fat!

2008-05-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

Yep - I still just appears to have huge boobs and a wobbly belly......not that I didn't have a wobbly belly before but at least I could blame it on skin rather than cookies and chocolate! On a happy note my boobs have gone from a 34A to a solid 36C in about 4 weeks........now if only I didn't have to roll them up and tuck them in to make them look semi-normal??!!

As for cravings - I spoke too soon. My complaints about watermelon and salsa are gone......now I'm craving chocolate and cookies and brownies and CRAP! Oh and don't forget cereal........I could eat cereal 6 times a day and not get sick of it. I do have to admit I am only allowing myself to eat puffed wheat which is pretty easy on the calorie bank (60 calories a cup). It is the most bizarre thing to find myself at the mercy of Captain Crunch and Betty Crocker......I mean what happened to my willpower - my drive - my determination. Ummmm, I got pregnant and tired I guess???

I am rather proud of the fact that I hauled my butt out of bed on Saturday morning for a spin class. I was afraid. Oh who am I kidding, I was freaking terrified!! I just knew that I wouldn't make it through the class without falling over but I did it. The last 20 minutes I had to slow down but I was busting it for the first 40 minutes. And I have discovered that it is true....it doesn't take long for your body to lose it's ability to exercise effectively.....my butt is still sore today!

Candace asked how the son and family reacted to the news that we were pregnant......well my mother freaked out - I'm talking crying, shrieking in the middle of her office. It was priceless. My dad hasn't wiped the smile off his face yet and he calls just about everyday to check on Jellybean and JM (Jellybean's Mom - that's me). Our son was excited but he's a boy so it was short lived and pretty much shadowed by the fact that his buddy was at the door wanting to shoot hoops. Really everyone has been so happy and so excited. We are so blessed to have such supportive family and friends.

Oh and guess what!!!!! We sold our house!! After 6 LONG months on the market we sold it and just in time......we can now close on our old house 11 days after we move into the new house. That is such a huge weight off my shoulders and I can't wait to be settled in and unpacked so I can concentrate on decorating. Not to mention I'm going to go from commuting 105 miles a day to 45 miles a day - my baby will know who it's mommy is!

Guess I should run and get some work done.......then home to pack - can I count that as cardio??

How I Have Changed

2008-05-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

This post isn't just about the most recent pregnancy changes but more "how I have changed" over the last few years - in essence, the impression that weight loss, infertility and finally pregnancy has left on me. Man that is mouthfull - talk about a lot of baggage to be carrying around!

Hmmmm, where to start - weight loss brought about a new image of myself. In some cases almost a more distorted image of myself. I had always been the fat girl and I was comfortable with that. I didn't say HAPPY but I was comfortable. I knew how to protect myself from snide comments and the sneers. I knew how to dress in black to appear slimmer (haha - that's a joke!). I knew how to disguise my ability to eat 2 double whoppers and a large fry by eating a light dinner with family and then heading to the drive thru. I knew these things and then came weight loss. It was scary and meant dealing with a lot of demons that I had pushed down for most of my life. It was a challenge and as I realized that I could climb those mountains I began setting my sights higher and higher. Did I ever reach the top of my "weight loss mountain". Did I ever plant my flag at the crest and take in the beautiful valleys that I had come through??? I honestly can't answer that because I still looked in the mirror and saw things I didn't like. I saw stretch marks and saggy skin - OH and saggy boobs too! But I was healthy and happy and in love with a wonderful man. I went from being the fat friend to being the amazing shrinking woman and my identity began to change - I began to be known by people only as thin and healthy. In fact, there are people who never knew me fat.......huh, what???

Fast forward a few years - I'm in the middle of marriage and work and kids and cats and life in general. Living a life that I never dreamed I would have because I had kind of chalked up my future to being the crazy cat lady. So hubby and I are trucking along in life...throwing around the idea of having a baby. We had already waited a couple of years because it was important to us to let the newness of our marriage settle in, especially because my husband was raising a son from a previous marriage. We just assumed that having a baby would be easy......I mean every time you turn on the news you see headlines of some teenage girl giving birth and abandoning her baby.....surely a stable, loving, mature couple could get pregnant. WRONG - the first few months we got the usual "let the pill get out of your system" speech. After that it was "relax and have fun with it". Everyone had there own piece of advice and though I'm sure they all meant well, no one can understand the heartbreak that takes place month after month. Finally after being referred to Reproductive Endocrinologist was I able to get some answers. PCOS with insulin resistance.......I had no idea really what that was or what it meant to my fertility. I did know that it meant drugs and the doctor warned me in advance that those drugs caused weight gain. I thought at first it would be no big deal but after 21 months of "no big deals" I was basically spent. I had given up hope and put on 15-20 pounds. I was raw emotionally and a shell of the fat and skinny girl that I had once been. Infertility had left a brand on my heart - I will never be the same. Not only have I changed physically but emotionally I have travelled so far. I have learned the true depth of my husband's love, I have learned that life is too short to spend every minute of every day obsessing about eating exactly 1500 calories while tempering that with 325 calories burned in exercise. I've learned that there are some spaces that are in us that can only be filled by something specific - you can't substitute those holes with other things - food does not fill a void nor does it ease the longing for a child.

Fast forward one more time to Pregnant Barbie - WOW - I thought I would never say that! Again I have learned so much about myself......I am no longer my own person but I belong to someone that I've never met. I have fallen in love with my husband over again, every single day. I have fallen in love with this baby in spite of the fatigue and spreading hips. I find myself no longer looking at being thin or fat but at being a healthy mother who has a healthy baby. Everytime I go to the gym (when I can muster up the energy right now) I think about how good the exercise is for the baby.......5 weeks ago I agonized over heartrates and calories burned. I wouldn't eat an apple because of the carbs. Things are so different now - I have a true sense of peace regarding who I am. This is something I have never had - it is a little foreign to me. With that sense of belonging and peace comes my ability to become lazy too! Yep, that's the downside. I'm not nearly as driven right now. I'm not trying to be the next Top Model but I do want to be healthy and pizza, chocolate cupcakes and NO exercise does not equal healthy. There has to be a balance and I am out to find it.

I guess my whole point in putting this down was just to see how life changes. Sometimes we have no idea how things from our past will affect our future - we aren't able to see the big picture - we don't know how the cards will play out. All we can know is to keep moving forward, keep hoping, keep striving, keep believing. If we can do those things then maybe our miracle, whatever it is for us personally, will come forth???

(((HUGS)))

Get your hands of my melons!!!

2008-05-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

Watermelons that is......lately I have craving watermelon like a mad woman so I've been buying one every couple of days and that's been lunch and snacks. Well the over the weekend I was out of town and I had packed my watermelon for the trip......a girl should never leave home without them! I walk in the kitchen of the condo and spy my nephew eyeing my snack - I hate to admit it but I turned into a lunatic......the kid had never seen anyone react so dramatically to watermelon before. He kept saying, "I was only looking".......I felt bad for a second and then blamed on pregnancy hormones - LOL!

On other notes....life is hectic as always. Looks like we may be making an offer on a new house - YAY baby won't have to sleep in the bathtub now! The only hitch is that we still haven't sold our current house soooooooo we may be making 2 mortgage payments for a bit. Can you say stress with a capital S??

As for the baby front, we are rolling right along at about 7 weeks and 2 days. Still having some bloating and still really tired but other than that I have been blessed with very little morning sickness. Oh and thank goodness for the Swizzle's May exercise challenge - thanks to that I'm getting a few workouts a week in. Not stellar but better than nothing.

I wish I could say something fantastic about health and exercise but right now I'm pretty much addicted to watermelon and salsa (not together) and somehow I'm thinking that is not what WW has in mind for the 8 healthy guidelines! With all the crazy stuff going on right now I'm trying to keep up with everyone - so if I missed something important can someone please smack me up side the head and let me know who is up to what??

You girls are so incredible - amazing and I feel so blessed to know each of you!

(((HUGS)))

The Count

2008-05-07T07:37:00.000-07:00

The long awaited results are in - we have ONE very healthy little baby with a beating heart!! Hubby and I are ecstatic that everything is good and hubby is really happy that it is only one! According to sonogram I am due on December 28, 2008 so it appears that I actually ovulated a little late. The fertility doc released me and I have my first appointment with my new OB doc next Thursday. I just can't believe that we are finally here and that everything is good.......I honestly thought it might never happen.

Thank you all for your support, thoughts, prayers, comments........I wouldn't have survived without all of you! Of course, I can't be on a "diet" during pregnancy but I refuse to blow up - it really is important to me to mantain my good health and physical activity so don't fear - Barbie will still be around - I'll just be in tow with a baby!!

HUGS from Barbie and ONE baby!!

We will have the official baby count by the end of today!

2008-05-06T07:48:00.000-07:00

So the doctor's office called and moved my appointment from Friday to TODAY - seems that the doctor got invited to speak at some large convention so he was having to reschedule.........I am sooooo excited but soooo nervous. I will report back as soon as the tallying is done - LOL. Truth be told - I would almost enjoy twins but shhhhh.....don't tell my husband!!

(((HUGS)))

So incredibly thankful

2008-05-05T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am honestly at a loss for words. I was reading some blogs of other women that are struggling with infertility due to PCOS and I realize that I am so blessed - not that I didn't know that before but there are women everywhere who are experiencing years and years of infertility with no positive results. DH and I went through almost 2 years of agony and pain. Some months I would cry for days because I just couldn't understand why it wasn't happening for us....now it has happened, I'm pregnant and of course, paranoid. Am I doing the right things, am I doing too much, am I gaining too much or eating enough........acckkk - it's a whole new set of rules over here - LOL!

In reality the only changes that I've noticed are my boobies - they are growing like crazy and TRUST ME - I'm not complaining! I've had little morning sickness, the fatigue can get a little rough but it's not unbearable. I just feel so blessed to be able to have this experience when I had almost given up hope of ever being pregnant. Sorry to ramble on but I just needed to make my thankfulness known.......now the countdown to see our precious miracle/s begins - 4 more days!!

Hungry Girl Cookbook Review

2008-05-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

I went out and bought this book with the hopes that it would be full of super easy, super good food swaps and I was right!! This book is really great - it's fun, easy to read through, has great recipes and great tips. If you haven't checked out here site you can at www.hungry-girl.com - you can also view the recipes titles that are included in the book by going to http://book.hungry-girl.com/. She lists all the nutritionals in the book and the points are listed on the site. It really is a great purchase for those of us trying to eat healthy and enjoy our food!

Just wanted to pass it on......it's a keeper!

Oh Baby

2008-05-01T08:11:00.001-07:00

So I had my last blood draw yesterday and it appears that everything is progessing fine. Other than being really tired and feeling really bloated all is well. I'm going to work hard at trying to get back into the groove of hitting the gym....it's just been so hard with the fatigue. I actually went and hit the elliptical for half an hour the other day and almost passed out. Come to find out the a/c was broken......no wonder I was so hot.

I do have a question for any pregnant women or mommies out there - how soon was it before you were growing out of your clothes?? OMG - I'm not exagerrating when I say that NOTHING fits anymore. My 6's are long gone and my 8's are laying on top of the clothes heap too. It freaks me out a bit because I don't think the fact that "I am pregnant" has actually sank in and I'm gaining weight. Some of it is water retention because my fingers and legs are puffy but geez!! I also have been STARVING - crazy hungry - the hubby keeps laughing at me because I'm eating so much cauliflower and fruit.....can't help it though. My belly always seems to be growling!

I need to catch up with everyone and promise to work on that - I've been sleeping just about every spare minute that I have lately.....another really unusual thing for me. Oh btw - we have our sonogram next Friday to count babies - LOL - my doctor thinks that is a funny joke.......I'm beginning to wonder though with my growing belly???

Gotta get back to work - (((HUGS))) to you all!

A Barbie Baby.........what???!!!

2008-04-25T07:55:00.000-07:00

My head is still spinning and my feet haven't touched the ground yet - after my doctor saga and disappearing ovary, I received a call from Dr. K's office with the results of my pregnancy test - I wasn't expecting much and almost didn't answer the phone. I'm glad that I answered the phone - I got the most life changing news of my life - I'm PREGNANT!!! Oh my goodness, after 21 months of tears, heartache, negative results, hormones, swelling and we are finally here! I've been back for a second beta test and my levels are doubling so I'll have one more blood test to check my levels and then a sonogram in a few weeks to see "how many are in there" (that is according to Dr. K). I'm feeling good with the exception of being very very very tired. I'm saying that some of that is from being sick and not sleeping and then I'm sure some of it is pregnancy related. Pregnancy related - wow - I just can't believe it still. I am pregnant - the weight of those words just amazes me - they are miraculous and life changing - in a single breath, with 2 words - my dream came true!

Funny thing is - DH and I didn't do so great at hitting it in March. We just couldn't seem to get a schedule down and I think we were both tired of the whole routine. Then of course I took 2 tests at home before I even went to the doctor - they were both negative??? I guess it just proves that things work out in the perfect time!

BTW - looks like we will be having a Christmas baby according to Dr. K - that is totally confirmed yet but that is his guess. Gotta get back to work........I've been pretty much MIA around here for the last few days!

(((HUGS))) from Barbie and Baby!

Bedrest = No Exercise = Freaking Out

2008-04-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

Hello......hope all is well with everyone. I'm sure that from the title of my post you all are assuming that I'm sick - well not quite. I actually had an ovarian cyst that ruptured and has leaked fluid into peritoneum cavity behind my uterus. I also have an ovary that is currently twisting and playing hide and go seek sooooo......after a night of intense pain I went to see the fertility doctor (assuming I was just being a big baby and he would send me home with a "suck it up" talk) - he started the ultrasound and saw the fluid pretty quickly - he began searching for my left ovary and after half an hour of excruciating pain - he gave up finding it - thus leading him to diagnose the "twisting". In a nutshell, I'm not allowed to exercise or do anything streneous and should be in bed (I'm not a lay around kind of person though) for at least a few days. If I'm not better by then, it will be another sonogram and potential surgery to realign my ovary - bleh! I'm okay other than moving slow and feeling a bit sluggish (courtesy of pain meds) - I'm aching and crampy but overall it is getting better. Now my only issue is not being able to exercise.......couple that with incredible swelling due to progesterone and I feel like a beach ball - my pants will barely button and they are the biggest pair I own. I'm craving chocolate like mad and I'm incredibly hormonal. That is something that I have to say for exercise - it really does lift my spirits and elminate some of my stress........right now is when I need that release the most.

I am going to "try" to take it easy but there will be no scales or measuring tapes in my future for the next few days - I gotta get over this hump before I totally warp my brain! Hope everyone else is doing good - I'm going to try to catch up some in the evenings since I can't work out now!

HUGS and say a prayer for me, if you can!

Mr. Scale is showing me some lovin'!!

2008-04-16T14:45:00.001-07:00

Just had to report to all my buddies that I am down 7 pounds over the last 2 weeks.....I am soooo excited and feeling like my mojo is back! Maybe mixing up the exercise and actually paying attention to what I'm shoveling in my face is working??? Now only 10 more to go!

NO NO & NO

2008-04-16T13:01:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmm, NO just about sums up my week. NO you're not pregnant, NO you cannot have one spare minute to yourself and NO you cannot pretend that your size 6 pants fit anymore! On a more positive note, even through my insane schedule I have managed to hit the gym - even if it is in small segments - something is better than nothing right?? I have also managed to come to grips with the fact that my weight gain is partly due to my insane ability to shovel food in my piehole! Good heavens - when I finally really started paying attention and being conscious of what I was doing, it was frightening. This is just proof my fellow Barbie's - it is possible to gain weight through bites, licks, tastes and too much "free" food (as in zero point for the weight watchers). I have licked my way to an extra 15 pounds!

On a much more desirable note - I found a new sugar free Jello pudding that is to DIE for!! OH MY GOODNESS - it is "Dark Chocolate" and it is amazing. I put a cup in the freezer for a few hours, took it out and popped it in the microwave for about 20 seconds.........it tasted just like the inside of a truffle!! WOW - you gotta try it, especially if you have major chocolate cravings.

Last theory that I have been able to prove true - if you are hitting a lull in weight loss you may need to switch up your routine. I can't believe what a difference I get on the elliptical machine. I am such a creature of habit so I am really proud of the fact that I am making myself do something a little out of my comfort zone! Yeah me!

Okay gotta get back to work - I also need to catch up with everyone.....sorry for my absence lately - there just never seems to be a dull moment!

HUGS

Updates Galore....

2008-04-09T14:21:00.000-07:00

Okay not so much but I do have a zillion things that I need to post about.....most of them are about crappy eating habits, the horrors of fertility drugs and my butt whipping in the gym - for now I'll just sum it up by saying - I've slipped into bad eating habits but I'm working hard to change that........now how successful am I, every day is different but for today I'm going to kick butt. On to the wonderful world of infertility........hmmm.....the drugs have caused my ovaries to be enlarged, I've gained 15 to 20 pounds depending on water weight and basically am a hormonal mess but damnit I ovulated last month!!! WOOHOO - I swear you couldn't have offered me a better gift other than maybe a pregnancy!

On to workouts - I have realized that to burn 500 calories in an hour.....you have to work freaking hard!!! I'm talking sweating, panting and basically disgusting smelling.....I can't believe that it is that hard to get my heartrate up to 80%.......I'm either just a whimp or out of shape??? It was a bit disheartening to realize that maybe, just maybe I didn't want to have to work like that??? I did find a happy medium in the fact that I'm hitting the elliptical machine a few times a week for about half an hour - I can burn about 300 calories on that sucker and I feel good about the work that I'm doing - 30 minutes = 300 calories is worth it for the diet....spin class 2 to 3x a week for 500 calories is worth it for my sanity. This mix also keeps things changed up a bit so I'm hoping that the scale will start to head back down soon......it amazes me that I can be busting my lower body in workouts and I'm now developing saddlebags......WTH?? My mom swears that the hormones are causing me to gain "mommy weight" aka hips and butt - I on the other hand just think I'm shaped like an overgrown, inbred pear??!

Sorry for not doing better at commenting and updating. Things have been so crazy for me lately. Work never ends and recently I have been trying to work through some past relationship issues. I had a falling out of sorts with a few close friends, a few years ago. Some of the drama was my fault and some was theirs but in the end I needed to make peace with the situation so after many days of agony and reflection I wrote apology letters. They were very receptive and although we will probably never be friends again, I am relieved to know that they don't hate me now. So that is my story in a nutshell. I'm going to try to catch up with everyone over the next few days so be looking for me!!

HUGS

So How the Heck is Barbie???

2008-04-02T11:56:00.000-07:00

Greetings from barbieville! Wish that I had something ultra exciting to post but not really. A NSV - I have mastered the art of getting my heart rate up to 80%.....I would love to say that it is impossible to do but in reality - I just have to suck it up and work harder to get it up to 80%.

Other exciting news.........hmmmm, not much really. Eating has been less than perfect and I'm still struggling with the eating because out of habit or because I should.......2 nights in a row I've eaten dinner when I wasn't really hungry. Why you ask??? Because I worked out and technically I "should" eat after a workout like that.......geez! The sad thing is that I have no excuses - I know better - I know how to play the game but lately I've been trying skate by......this philosophy doesn't work and just leads to more insanity for me. So let me just lay out all my "rational" justifications for overeating and eating when I'm not hungry........maybe I will continue to read these reasons and I'll actually see how absurd they are?? So here goes:

1. I had a really vigorous workout and need to fuel my body
2. I'm frustrated with the fertility gods and all this medicine
3. Speaking of medicine - that is what is causing these extra pounds
4. I can't sleep
5. Gotta eat to prep for pregnancy
6. I'm sad
7. I'm bored

I could go on and on but I'll spare you.....the truth of the matter is that I've fallen into bad habits again. What is a habit my fellow Barbie's??? A habit is a learned behavior SO if I learned this bad behavior then I can learn a good behavior to replace it, right?? RIGHT! Now if I could only find the willpower to actually do it......okay I'm off to search for my motivation!

(((HUGS)))

Frustration with my heartrate!

2008-03-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

First let me apologize for being MIA lately. Things just never seem to slow down and when they do it is usually at bedtime and I'm barely coherent enough to think. In any event, all is well in Barbie land......I guess?? Still have a squirrel lose inthe house, still trying to have a baby barbie and still plugging along with my diet/exercise routine. I must admit that I have really been trying to recognize true hunger and only eat when I am in that place - I'm not doing half bad at it and I'm proud of the progress that I've made over the last week.

So on to my heartrate saga - I bought a heartrate monitor which confirmed what the doctor had already told me - I have a low resting heartrate - like 55 BPM - a normal woman of my age should be at about 70 - 75 BPM. Okay, no big deal, doc says that it's a good sign. Well it's only a good sign if you aren't concerned about calories burned during a workout! What I mean is that I can't get my heartrate up past 150......it is insane. Last night I puked in the middle of spin class - I'm not kidding when I say that I thought I was going to pass out and how many calories did I burn 475 - now that isn't anything to complain about but when others in the class who are my size and are athletic are burning 750 to 900 - it makes you a little pissy!! Not to mention, I'm afraid to push myself any harder during a workout but I need to get my heartrate into the 160's to be exercising at 80%

Does anyone have any ideas???

I'm GREAT....

2008-03-20T11:23:00.000-07:00

Okay on to good things:

I have a wonderful husband who adores me completely and thinks I am beautiful and sexy just how I am.
I have a great son who makes straight A's and really cares about others.
I have wonderful family support and a mom who is totally my best friend
I have great friends, family, gym buddies
I am strong and I have overcome so much - I am a beautiful person inside AND out!
I am smart, independent, funny and I freakin LOST 245 pounds, something I NEVER thought possible!

So........now it's your turn to list the good things.

Old McBarbie Had A Farm.......

2008-03-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well actually I'm not sure if you could consider "random squirrel sighting" amongst my living room furniture as a farm or not??? All I know is that some squirrel has spread the word that the Barbie Casa is the happening place to be! I'm not lying when I say that I have had 3 - count them 3 - squirrels appear in my living room. How you ask??? Well basically one squirrel fell down in the wall (12 foot drop) and the hubby had to cut a hole at the bottom to free him.....nothing sounds worse than the screams of a dying squirrel! So since Tuesday the squirrels have evidently been parachuting down the wall and escaping through the hole - holy crap! My cats are freaking out and basically my whole house has been in chaos........I'm really hoping that the husband gets out his handy dandy hammer and repairs that hole tonight??!

The only bright spot about having squirrels lose in the house is the comedic relief that present as the husband and son run circles around the living room with blankets in hand, in an effort to catch the things. I think they are both terrified though they would never admit it - at any rate, it's a pretty funny thing......maybe I should record it and put it on U Tube??

So I was reading ANNA's blog and came across her post about the "NO DIET" diet - it hit home with me only because I am the proud owner of a dozen books on intuitive eating so I pretty much know the drill. I also KNOW how to make this work; however, rarely practice these techniques. More often than not I eat way too much and feel like a bloated whale - then of course there is are the few BLT's that I have along the way to my beach where I am harpooned by the evening meal. All of this together equals disaster and I have the extra 10 okay 15 pounds to prove it. I'm not discounting all of my work in the gym but come on - I know that I didn't gain 15 pounds of muscle - if I had my pants wouldn't be this tight! So as of today, right now I am vowing to pull my head out and get it together. I have really been making huge strides in the "control" department and have let go of some of my crazy obsessive tendencies. I am trying so hard to focus on positive things and remembering that there is a perfect time - you know patience. With all of my prioritizing it's time for me to finally be done with this last piece of the puzzle - so rather than focusing how unhappy I am with my weight/appearance I'm going to focus on the good things that I have going for me - not to mention - even 15 pounds ago I wanted to lose weight and I was unhappy with my appearance. Really, are we ever happy or satisfied - isn't there something that we ALWAYS think should be changed?? I'm using my next post to put up my list...stay tuned.

Barbies and Babies....

2008-03-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

I wish that I was posting some crazy, miracle of a story telling everyone that I'm preggo but that isn't the case.......I'm okay with that - not because I want to be but because I have to be! I want to thank everyone who left me a comment.......WOW! I can't begin to tell you how much each one meant to me and how it really lifted my spirits! Tuesday and Wednesday of last week were tough days - I was very emotional and the husband had a hard time dealing with my emotions. It was just a rough few days. In the end it all worked out - I found peace, like I knew I would, and the husband and I made up. I finished up the awful progesterone and I really believe that someone was watching over me this go round because the swelling overall horrible feelings weren't as bad as usual.....we are on to bigger and better things and I'm just waiting on God's timing and every day I'm learning to be more patient with this situation. I got to thinking the other day that patience is one thing I should have learned from my weight loss journey - patience and perserverance.....guess I still have a lot to learn!

So on to the birthing baby part - on Friday night, after what I would consider to be one of the roughest weeks in recent memory, my best friend calls hysterical. Her daughter, who is 21, unwed with 1 child (14 months) is pregnant and in labor. The hospital kept sending them home and basically "A" was really hurting. So after an incredibly frustrating and emotional week as it related to lack of babies - I sped off to the hospital to be there for the delivery of a baby! Funny how things work out, huh?? "A" did great and the birth was beautiful. She was blessed with another healthy baby boy but I would be lying if I said there wasn't any small twinge of jealousy. I wish that I could say that all I felt was joy but there were a few bitter tears mixed in with my joyful ones! Overall, I'm so happy for "A" but I know she has a rough road ahead of her........being a single mommy to 2 babies is no easy thing - luckily, she is a wonderful mother and she has tons of support from her family and me (I get to play auntie to the boys!).

On the diet/exercise front I'm hanging in there. Last week was rough with food because the hormones make me crave salt and chocolate but I did okay. I'm still hitting the gym 3 times a week so that is going good too. I did get into a yoga class and I have no decided that yoga is a miracle drug......if you are stressed and have never tried yoga - YOU HAVE TO TRY IT! WOW - people at work that had no clue that I went even commented on how relaxed I looked.......I really did feel great. Now I just have to figure out how to fit it in between spin classes and weights. It is still so strange to hear myself trying to strategize how to get more time at the gym......what happened to Steph the couchpotato???

Okay - gotta run. I owe everyone comments and huge {{{HUGS}}} so I promise to try to start catching up! I have really missed you all so much and from the looks of it I'm getting left behind in the weight loss contest!

Just a couple of BEFORE pics and one AFTER pic.

2008-03-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

I got asked a couple of questions about my weight loss and my pictures so I thought I would post a couple more BEFORE pictures. The first 2 pictures were taken about 6 weeks after I started dieting....I had probably lost about 30 pounds in these. The last picture is us from Christmas. I am still amazed at where I started and how far I've come. Of course, I am still a work in progress so more pictures to come!

Real Quick

2008-03-11T15:09:00.001-07:00

Hey guys - sorry for my absence. I intended to update everyone on everything today but after getting some bad news from the doc's office I don't really feel up to it. The short version is that I didn't ovulate so I'm not pregnant and we're on to ANOTHER round of medicine that makes me feel like total crapola. There is something masochistic about this whole thing........infertility is humbling and heartbreaking. It leaves me completely confused and for today I'm just sad. I do know that sometimes God delivers us "from" things and sometimes He delivers us "through" them. This trial is here for a reason and I have to trust that He has a plan for my good. Today my faith is tested but tomorrow is a new day and the grief will be less. I will be back to my old self soon!

The house thing may possibly make me crazy but that is something else that I have made peace with. The current "looker" is really being a hard nose and we have reduced our price as much as we are going to. The ball is in his court and if he doesn't buy it then someone else will.......so we'll continue to wait.

Gee - I sure wish that I could get some certainies (sp?) for a change. Thanks for checking up on me and I promise to update again soon!

HUGS

Photoshop is a beautiful thing....

2008-02-28T10:37:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that I've seen and read the articles on photo retouching but I thought this link and it's total exposure was a great read and made me feel much better about how lumpy, bumpy and frumpy I can look.......check this out - photo retouch

Happy photoshopping!

I'll update on the scale and house later.........gotta get back to work {{{HUGS}}}

Weigh In Postponed....

2008-02-27T12:52:00.000-08:00

I was due to weigh in this evening but I think that I'm going to move my date with the scale to Thursday mornings.......not that this will postpone any monumental events or unveilings but by the time I get home it will be after eating and after the gym - both of these can cause my weight to fluctuate by a few pounds. I've been really struggling this week already so I don't want a false reading to discourage me.

On the no artificial sweetener front.......I've been doing good. I should say that I do still have the occassional diet soda and sugar free candy but on a whole I have decreased my intake by probably 85%. I can really tell a difference in how I feel and LOOK.......I hate feeling bad but I really HATE looking bad/bloated. So as of today, the fat/skin rolls on my back seem to be diminishing! I must admit that my eating has been a little out of control the last couple of days......nothing really bad but I've just been starving for the most part ALL THE FREAKING TIME!! So a bite here and there may come back to bite me in the butt but I am holding out hope!

On a brighter note - we had an offer on our house today - it's been on the market for a few months. The offer was low low low but we have countered and are keeping our fingers crossed. The problem with this whole scenario is that I am super paranoid about changes........really, I'm the wierdo who would just assume live in an apartment, drive the same car, work at the same job and eat the same foods every day. I like order and structure and currently - there is NONE of that in my life - just say a prayer for my sanity and our house situation........if you can??

Guess I should get back to work - I'm slowly trying to catch up with everyone but that is easier said than done. Please know that even if I haven't commented on your blog that I haven't forgotten you!

{{{HUGS}}}

Gonna try this and cross my fingers....

2008-02-27T11:38:00.000-08:00

Does this link work??? Becky's Blog

My Word Cloud & How Do I Give Props??

2008-02-27T07:21:00.000-08:00

Interesting.....thanks Becky

HELP ME - this is such a cool thing but I can't give Becky the proper credit......how do I attach a link to her blog in mine?? Geez, I really am technically challenged!

Wow - read this comment that I got!

2008-02-22T08:35:00.000-08:00

So it seems that everyone has an opinion on artificial sweetner and I am loving the comments that I'm getting. Actually they are helping me to feel a little less like a loon and more normal in my thoughts about sweeteners. So read this - I swear that some of my symptons were exactly the same and everytime that I have limited/cut out sweeteners I have experienced the almost instantaneous positive results:

Pooks said...
I follow enjoy your blog, but have never commented. But, I knew I had to post a response to this post. I lost around 50lbs 4 years ago and used artificial sweeteners a lot (diet soft drinks, yogurt, equal in coffee, etc).
Over the past couple of years, I became increasingly bloated to the point that my pants would not button by the end of the day. I also became severely constipated. I went for weeks without 'going'. The docs ran every test possible to figure out what was going on, but my organs/digestive system are perfect. Docs were perplexed. I eliminated dairy and gluten in hopes of figuring out the issue. I shed so many tears over how bad my bloated body looked and felt. I did't know what to do. As a last ditch effort, I decided to give up all articial sweeteners...something I never dreamed I was capable of. FINALLY, MY BLOAT IS GONE and I am once again 'regular'. I feel 100x better w/out the artificial sweeteners. I just wanted to pass this along in hopes of saving someone else the tears, pain, and $ for doctors, that I've experienced.

Again, I'm not telling anyone to do something that doesn't work for them. If you have no problems with sweetener and you use it in moderation I say GO AHEAD WITH IT! If you are having intense cravings for sweets/carbs, bloating, stomach upset, bowel issues or weight loss plateaus then maybe you should evaluate how much sweetener you use?? I know for me - the more I have the more I want......somehow I didn't get blessed with the "moderation button".

Keep the comments coming - I'm loving them!!

My study on artificial sweetner....

2008-02-21T14:26:00.000-08:00

Okay - please don't send me hate mail because of this post. This was and is purely for my own knowledge and you can take what you want out of it......in fact, some of this stuff I already knew from previous experiences but it seems that I slip back in to old habits way to easy and at times need a reality check. So goes my experiment....

First let me say that when I was losing weight I did so by using diet drinks and things made with equal, splenda, etc. After losing 100 pounds my weight loss had stalled and I was utterly frustrated.....at that point I read a study about artificial sweetners and their evils.....I didn't freak out and start picketing the splenda factory but I did cut out diet sodas and anything with sweetner in it.....I replaced sodas with water and basically that was all I drank. I cut out flavored yogurts and sugar free candy - basically everything but my SF gum....in that month I lost almost 40 pounds. Now call it whatever you want - my restriction, my extra water, my extra exercise but I know in my heart it had A LOT to do with me cutting out diet soda - I was drinking a six pack a day easy!

Okay fast forward to a couple of years ago - I got hooked on SF hot chocolate that was sweetened with Splenda. I talking....I was OD'ing on the stuff.....like a 5 pound bag a week. I wouldn't eat but rather just myself going by drinking hot chocolate and coffee with splenda. I stayed bloated and tired and feeling really bad. Then I started reading (AGAIN) about the effects of sweetener......so I cut myself off and literally went through the detox phase....I was really having some major withdraws from the stuff. Almost immediately I lost 10 pounds, the bloat was gone, I felt great, was sleeping better......again, this may be just me and how my body responds but I was amazed at how much better I felt.

So again fast forward. This time my addiction wasn't as severe but I had noticed that I was relying more on Equal, diet sodas, sugar free candy and hot chocolate (GOD help me!). Again, I was staying bloated, feeling bad, craving sweets like crazy and feeling like I had to have something sweet ALL the time. Once again, I jumped on the no sweetener band wagon and once again I feel 100X better.......maybe it's conincidence, maybe it is just the way my body processes the chemicals, heck maybe it's all in my head???? I don't know but I can tell you that since I cut out the majority of my diet drinks, candy, cocoa, etc. I have lost 8 pounds in 3 weeks and my pants fit again.........I do still have the occassional diet soda but I'm really trying to wean myself off and get back to water. I'm also trying to stick to natural sugars if I want something sweet.

I'm not suggesting that anyone ban diet coke from your house or start a petition to end the Splenda campaign. In fact, I think for people starting out - the splenda sweeteners of the world are a GOD-SEND.......I just don't think my body likes them much. Just something to ponder......I'll let you know how the journey plays out!

HUGS to you all!

OH soooooo much to update on!

2008-02-21T14:08:00.000-08:00

Geez, I've been MIA for another week......where does the time go?? So I have a zillion and one things to update on and I've been trying earnestly to read up and post on everyone's blog - if I somehow missed you I am soooooo sorry....it wasn't intentional. So first let me post the good news - TOM came......all on her own!!! WOOHOO - I've never been so happy to see Aunt Flo in all of my life. With that comes the knowledge that I'm not pregnant which is a little disappointing but it also brings the knowledge that my body CAN work like it is made to some of the time. Now the TOM brings about another "something" that happened over the weekend.....it is pretty horrific so if you want to stop reading now I understand!

Saturday I went to my cycle class, came home and did some housework, made chocolate chip cookies for my aunt and then got ready to head out to deliver the cookies (my aunt was having surgery). I was getting ready and grumbling (as usual) about my ever expanding butt and how I didn't have anything to wear and I felt like a cow and blah, blah, blah. My poor hubby has learned to keep his mouth shut when I get in one of these moods.....so as I tearing through the house, alternating between crying and ranting I put on my fat jeans - these are jeans that used to be a bit big last year and recently have come to fit me rather nicely. So I put on my jeans and sat down in the floor to put on my shoes.....when what do I hear........R...I....P.....rip, rip, rip.........NO - it wasn't me making the rip sound but rather the pocket of my "once too big" jeans!!! Oh my gosh......immediately I was hysterical and nothing that the husband could say was going to make it better.....I was screaming that I had lost 4 pounds, I was busting my ass at the gym and what the hell was wrong with me??? It wasn't a pretty sight and I ended up pulling on my comfy yoga pants and a sweatshirt so that I could get out the door........talk about feeling like a total slob! That was the low point of the weekend - Sunday I felt like poo and stayed in bed most of the day - kind of feeling sorry for myself.......then Monday TOM showed up. Is it fair to say that I wanted to fall to my knees in praise to the fertility gods for allowing me to have a period??!! Not only did that help absolve my insane guilt over ripping my pants but it also confirmed that my body is not totally hopeless.

So fast forward to Tuesday......I'm a bit concerned about weighing in on Wednesday because of TOM but like I said, I'm pretty much elated over the fact that she is here unassisted so I don't care all that much. Well Tuesday I get hit with a stomach flu......let me just say that I thought I was dying. Fever, chills, aches, stomach upset - you get my drift. Things weren't pretty but I'm feeling more like myself today.....still not 100% sure about eating real food but I figure I can survive on broth and jello for another couple of days if I need to??!! I did end up weighing in on Wednesday and I'm down another 4 pounds!! Some of that could be due to the stomach flu and my lack of real food but I'm thinking that TOM gain may make up for that?? So I'm really hoping that the 4 pounds is real and that I can stay where I am in saying that I've lost a total of 8 pounds! On a bright note, my pants feel much less snug!

Even if I can maintain the 8 pounds - I have another 8 to go but I am really feeling better and more focused - nothing like a stomach flu to help you regain your mojo!

I have a little experiment that I tried this week too and it involves artificial sweetner....I'll fill you in on my next post.

HUGS to you all!

My loss.....

2008-02-14T09:05:00.000-08:00

So I stepped up to the plate last night......I broke out Mr. Scale and decided to have a looksie - to say I was nervous would be an understatement. It resembled a first date - picture me with sweaty palms and fluttering heart!! Unfortunately, I was not feeling the "head over heels" in love feeling - well, until I made the leap I didn't feel that. So after 2 weeks, one of which was a week of vacation - I am happy to report that I'm down 4 pounds - WOOHOO!! 13 more to go........I can do this - I will do this!!! I'm feeling more in control everyday - with every step or pedal stroke and every positive affirmation I am know that I am regaining my mojo!! So here is to 4 pounds gone!!

As for V day.....the hubby and I agreed to do nothing more than exchange cards. Candy, flowers, dinner, balloons are soooooo overpriced at this time of year that I feel a bit "ripped off" when I shop for them. Not to mention - I don't really do candy (that isn't WW friendly) and dinner out isn't my idea of fun.....sooooo, I'll be sharing my love with GYM tonight and the hubby will get the sloppy seconds - LOL - okay, just kidding......I am going to hit the gym though and hubby is fine with it!

In the absence of my real life Valentine gifts, I'm sending you all a Puppy Bouquet~ ENJOY your day and HUGS to you all!!

I would like to thank the Academy and all my loyal fans......

2008-02-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

So Tina from Battle of the Bulges gave me the "E" award AND she taught me how to post it!! So suddenly I feel like super high tech Barbie - I know, this is not a hard thing to do but for me......it takes a lot to get me blog savvy!! HUGS to you Tina & to Polly too....cause she's sooooo cute!

Perception is reality....

2008-02-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

So I'm sure that some of you have been pondering if i was ever coming back from my recent hiatus.......of course I'm coming back but I must admit I'm not the same Barbie that left! After a much needed vacation that included NOTHING I have discovered that there is more to life than trying to be a cookie cutter person. It's funny that at times it takes the most ignorant of things to help remind us how good we have it. Okay.....I'm sure this is all very confusing but it is also something that I really feel is important so let me start at the beginning.

After my last post about the body image issues, I did get up the next day and go to my spin class - I felt good after class and had a great weekend. I was gearing up for vacation so it was busy but good. The hubby and I actually left on Wednesday to go stay at a condo on the lake - the drive was about 3 hours from our house and the town that we went to was beautiful - tall pine trees, nothing around, quiet, quaint and very relaxing. We got the car unpacked and got settled in.....we basically stayed there for 5 days. The only exceptions were the daily trip to the ONE grocery store in town - this trip was to buy the hubby donuts or pizza and get my spaghetti squash......I know, I know - I rarely deviate from my usual food routine even on vacation! I did log on a few times and try to keep up with all the blogs, posted a few comments and was a total lurker!! We got home on Sunday and hung out......of course Monday was back to the daily grind but over our vacation I realized that life is too short to stay so stressed out about every little thing.......about every single pound.........every single workout. At some point, you have to live your life and enjoy this journey. Please don't mistake my rambling for the universal "it's okay to slowly kill yourself with fast food".........I absolutely, whole heartedly believe in being healthy but you know what....???? Part of being healthy is being okay emotionally........something that I realized AGAIN over the last week is that - Food controlled me when I was overweight........I got up and the first thing I thought about was what I was going to have for lunch!! So I changed my habits.........I lost weight.........I look and feel great.........I improved my health a 100x's over but guess what.........I never took control of my life back!! I still let food/weight control me........I didn't wake up and think about pizza for lunch anymore but I woke up and stressed about calories/fat/fiber/points/carbs/protein/calories in vs. calories out - you get my point........I obsessed over my body, every flaw, every ounce of flesh represented some sort of failure in my eyes - this is what I saw.......no one else saw that. Everyone else applauded me as a hero of health and diet - I was raised on the shoulders of dieters while the crowd cheered yet all I ever heard was my own voice telling me of my short comings.......I lost beautiful moments of victory and replaced them with my own shouts of self loathing.....NO MORE. I drew the line in the sand over my vacation! So much so that I decided last night that I wasn't going to the gym - want to know why??? My body was tired, I don't absolutely LOVE the Tuesday class, I wanted to relax at home with my family and most importantly, I'm tired of feeling obligated to do things that don't fulfill something in me........please don't take that to mean that I no longer love cycling....nothing is further from the truth but you know what???? Last night I LOVED being with my family and relaxing - last night, I loved the give and take of being "balanced" in my life! So long story short........nothing has changed on the diet/exercise front. I will continue to plod along but rather than viewing the failures I am going to celebrate my success! I'm going to love me!

Okay - on to EGG news! According to the doc and blood tests from last week - I OVULATED! I can't even tell you how ecstatic the hub and I are at the prospect of actually being pregnant already! Yep, the doc said i could actually be pregnant......we should know for sure in a few days so I'll announce the news when i get it!!

One final note - "Perception is Reality" - it really is true. The way that you think of yourself is YOUR reality. Think of yourself as a winner, a success, a beautiful, motivational woman because that IS what we all are!

HUGS to you all - I promise to work earnestly at trying to catch up on all the blogs oh and Tina gave me an award but I have no idea how to post it.......I know, I may be beautiful, motivating and a winner but I'm also a bit tech challenged!! Soooo.....can one of my buddies offer instructions?

I LOVE eggs!

2008-02-12T09:24:00.000-08:00

Hi all......I am super busy after getting back from vacation but I wanted to post that I am alive and doing FAB!!!! I've got lots of stuff to update on and lots of catching up to do so hang in there with me and know that I miss you all terribly! Even with the busy work that I have - vacation was soooooo worth it!!!

HUGS to you all and P.S. The doc confirmed that the fertility drugs worked - I finallly ovulated!!! YEAH for EGGS!! I promise to come back and update more later!

Struggling with body image issues....

2008-02-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

Hmmm, not much to say today but I was hoping that putting this down would serve as a way for me to release some of my frustration/aggrevation/sadness. Last night was a good night for the most part - I didn't eat on time but I did eat on target - my calories were pretty much in line at 1500 with my points hovering around 24. I had a spin class last night and I worked really hard so I was pretty hungry at dinner. I don't feel bad about that - in fact I feel like I'm getting back in the groove, slowly but surely.

The problem is more with the way I look. Most days I laugh it off or don't say anything about the shape that my body has taken since I've lost weight. I have to say that no matter what...I know that I am healthier than ever - I know that and that's great but.....yeah, there is always a but there - but I hate the way I look. I literally had a melt down this morning with the hubby. I, for some dumbass reason, didn't dress before blowdrying my hair so I was standing in the bathroom naked - now this isn't something that I typically do......I'm the girl who would shower in her clothes on most days but today I was in a rush and didn't want to start layering on clothes for the day. Well at this moment hubby proceeds to walk in the bathroom without knocking, seeing me in all my glory. I know that sounds like a ridiculous freak out moment to most but for me it is devestating - this man has never seen me totally naked, standing up. Can I just say that gravity has not been kind to me. At that moment I felt completely exposed and vulnerable......really, I can't even explain how I felt. I was horrified, crushed and absolutely devestated. I think the hubby was a bit freaked too as he just stood there with a dumbass smile on his face......immediately I was screaming close the door, don't you ever knock, blah blah blah. He felt bad, I felt bad - I sank to the floor and cried. I then put my pj's back on and ran to my room for clothes.....feeling the insane need to "cover up". The conversation after that wasn't pleasant......I was basically a maniac but I needed him to understand that at that moment I felt like a freak of nature....like a kid being pointed at and heckled. Unfortunately, I'm not very articulate in moments like that so between my reckless sobbing and shrieking, he probably barely had an idea of what my problem was! The whole scene was ugly and I feel terrible about it - it ended with hubby trying to reassure me that he loved me and that it didn't matter but I know it does.....it is disgusting and I know that.......I'm not so naive to think that he could be attracted to that - I know that he loves me regardless but I also know that I'm not even close to being "normal" looking. Like I said, he thinks I'm delusional and don't see the "real" me - I think he is blinded by love cause trust me - I see the "real" me in all it's glory every damn day - in fact I tuck extra bits of the real me into my pantyhose everyday - so I freaking know all about the "real" me.

In all honestly, I feel guilty for even putting this down. Mostly because I try to maintain that "it's a journey" mentality, the "appreciate your body" speech and every other motivational saying out there - I know all of that - I've heard, said it and for the most part make the decision to believe it but today.......I hurt, I ache, I can't explain it. It may never make sense to some but for some reason I feel like you girls will understand. I would never discourage someone from losing weight because you can survive with lose skin - I can walk around and look like a Gumby doll that stood too close to the furnace - that isn't going to physically kill me but what it does to me mentally is pretty nasty. Please don't pelt me with hate emails about how it could be so much worse or shower me with pity. I'm not asking for any of those things....tomorrow I'll be okay but for today I feel like I'm sifting through broken bits of my life - I don't feel whole - I don't feel like the old, happy, overweight Steph and I sure the hell don't feel like a thin, thriving Steph.......more like a heap of body parts that don't match who I am yet they ALL belong to me......just for today I need to feel like I can really feel this hurt....just for today I need to not have to shrug it off like it isn't a big deal. Then after my "today" will come tomorrow and I will pick my butt up off the floor, dust myself off and head to spin class - but that is after my "today".

Hugs to you all - have a great weekend!

A day in the life of a pee stick....

2008-01-31T07:43:00.000-08:00

WORK DAMNIT.....those were the words that I was screaming at my ovaries this morning.....ughhh, every morning I've been shaking the magic ovulation predictor stick like it's an eff'ing magic 8 ball........no dice though. So who the hell knows - at this point, my philosophy is to put on some lipstick, blast the radio on the way to work and worry about it later. Later meaning, "we interrupt your regularly scheduled program for doctor ordered sex" - yep, tonight is another episode of "Lets Make A Baby" - this happens to interfere with my season premier of LOST.......what the hell! My mother keeps telling me to relax and let it come naturally.......WTF-ever......have you ever tried to relax when you get up in the morning, feet hit the floor, feel like you're going to wet your pants so you do the pee pee dance down the hall.....only to realize "shit, gotta pee on a stick". So you go scrambling for the box underneath the sink (because really, who leaves that kind of stuff laying out), dancing around in your underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, thinking gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee. You retrieve the INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED sticks - shit, why do they have to wrap these in industrial strength titanium wrappers......geez, I'm thinking people don't typically tamper with ovulation predictor kits??? Finally after struggling with this flipping wrapper, the savage in me takes over and rips the package open with my teeth - of course - the stick goes flying across the bathroom!!! Have you ever tried to tell your bladder "haha only kidding, you don't really get to go" after already sitting down - HOLY CRAP! So I'm trying rise with my legs crossed and waddle across the bathroom......at this point I'm seriously contemplating just pissing on the stick right there in the middle of the bathroom - I'll clean up the mess when I'm done!! I do manage to fling myself AND my stick to the potty and I succeed......my bladder is my friend again - the clock, on the other hand, reminds me that I have just wasted 10 minutes of my life on this drama.....then of course there is the 5 minute wait....tick, tock - there is nothing interesting or intriguing about this process - especially not after 7 days worth of 5 minute waits! Not to mention these waits tallied together have cost me 35 minutes of daylight - all for NOTHING! Sooooo frustrating but enough of baby talk - on to my next bitch.

That would be putting on pants that were too big a few months ago only to find out SUPRISE - they fit now. Great, I've inherited a new pair of pants and a bigger ass! It's like a freakin 2 for 1 special - my consultation is knowing that I am now on the road back to normalacy. Speaking of normalacy - I did great yesterday until bed time. I was having horrible nightmares and couldn't sleep - this led me to mindless munching. Lucky for me I did really well during the day so I didn't completely blow a zillion calories overall but still - running to food for solace ='s emotional overeating and this is something that I'm really trying to conquer. It's a good thing that Rome wasn't built in a day or I'd be screwed.

So in maintaining my "screw it attitude" for the day - I decided to Trixie it up a bit. Nothing too fancy but I did a funky do with my hair and put on some bright red lipstick. I just needed to be someone different for today. Someone who wasn't completely engulfed in fertility, weight loss, calories, fat and just basic bullshit. You know what, being someone else is fun sometimes! With today being day 3 of "back to reality" for me - I'm feeling better and better. As I said earlier, I've got to work on that middle of the night, can't sleep, munching thing but overall I ate on plan last night and felt good about it.

Tonight is spin class and then of course the "assorted festivities" (see above) at home. At some point I have to slow down but right now I don't think there is an end in sight!!! My goals for today are to continue with doing what I need to do, food wise, and to NOT kill anyone - oh and I need to go get some more magic pee sticks too!

HUGS to you all and I'll report back tomorrow!!!

Day 1 COMPLETE....

2008-01-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

So after everyone's comments (THANKS YOU GUYS!!) I did it. When I say I did it I mean, I ate what I planned to eat and stayed fairly in control. I did end up eating late because I was helping my son with a science fair project but I did manage to eat a well rounded, smaller meal. I already feel more in control and I know that continuing to "suck it up" will only enhance this feeling. I also managed to get some breakfast in me this morning - another huge victory for me!

Last night at the gym was good - our usual instructor is out because her husband passed away unexpectedly.......my heart just breaks for her. I can't imagine being 55 years old, a total health nut and having my highschool sweetheart die of a heart attack. This tragedy really sparks a fire under my butt to require better eating habits of my hubby. I swear, he eats crap most of the time but it's partly my fault for buying him cupcakes and cookies. I need to start making healthy choices for him so that he can get back into the habit for himself. I need the guy to be around for a while longer!!

On a more positive note - I tallied my time in the gym for January and after Thursday's workout I will have completed 1195 minutes in the gym......burning approximately 11,295 calories - I can't believe it. I also guesstimate the miles I ride during each cycle class and all of those tallied comes out to 295 miles!!! WOW - I have to say that I am really proud of myself.....it feels so good to find an exercise that I enjoy doing.

All of that being said - I enjoy healthy food and working out but I'm still struggling with the mental/emotional issues. I'm feel like I keep finding skeletons in closets that I thought I had cleaned out. Some days I feel like I'm dealing with the same issues over and over.....eating out of boredom is the biggest problem. If I'm busy then I don't even think about it but when I have nothing to do - I want to eat! I also associate food with so many things - hell, I associate food with certain TV shows - like Extreme Home Makeover - I ALWAYS eat popcorn when I watch that show......in fact, in an effort to break that habit this past Sunday, I refused to watch the show - LOL! Sometimes I feel sorry for my family, simply because I am so neurotic about things. My plan is to get my butt back in gear with my emotional/food ties and then start incorporating healthy things back into the lives of my husband/son. I have really let "stuff" get in the way of taking family walks, cooking more well rounded meals & preparing healthy snacks. The good thing is that I realize this and am totally prepared to change it. I may have to drag them kicking and screaming but that's okay!

I'll report back tomorrow with more OP news!!!

Thanks again for all of your support - I wouldn't be able to make it without you all!

Can I get a volunteer???

2008-01-29T11:05:00.000-08:00

So it's confession time again at the Barbie blog and I have a list a mile long. To start with I am still really battling this "fat girl" mentality. I'm fighting hard but I keep seeing 400 pound Stephanie in the mirror. Really this is the first time since I began this journey that I have felt semi-out of control. This is bad because not only do I feel run down from the mental battle but I'm teetering on the edge of self hatred. I have bad habits, we all do, but I like to be in control of mine and at this current junction in my life - well, I'm just not. So, I'm asking for a little help with accountability.....where do you guys come in??? I need a couple of people to police me just a bit......you know the drill - bitch at me, keep me in check, ask me if I'm keeping up with my goals, remind me that I have to change my habits and that it will only take a few days of hard work to get me back in gear.......I know it's a lot to ask but I AM DESPERATE girls! Let me just tell you what I'm trying to do:

1. Eating after the gym - ONLY when I'm hungry
2. If I am hungry when I get home from the gym then I should eat as soon as I get home and eat only until I'm satisfied.
3. Eating breakfast in the morning.
4. Making a food plan and sticking to it.

So for the next week I am going to work at eating when I'm hungry but not so late.....I know this is a huge issue for me and I have to stop this habit. I am not entitled to eat because I worked hard at the gym......I have to revert back to the basics and remember that this is a new place in my journey - I have to strategize and find new ways to make this work so I'm giving this a shot. I'm going to post how I'm doing but if you guys don't see something from me tomorrow regarding my progress then start yelling! I am much happier when I feel like I'm in control of my own actions. That sounds silly because I utimately am the only one that controls what goes in my mouth but I swear that there is a devil on my shoulder most of the time......he yells, BREAD, FRITOS, PEANUTS, CANDY.......well I'm sick of hearing him so I'm going to start yelling back at him! Will you raise your voice with me??

Thanks to you all for reading, supporting, commenting and just being fab!!

And then....life or the scale, bitch slaps ya!

2008-01-28T07:49:00.001-08:00

So my reason for not posting is not what I about to recall but rather a lack of time. Let me start by saying that I've been working, baking birthday cakes, buying gifts, doing household chores AND working on the kiddo's science fair project - all of this combined equals a really busy, frazzled, worn out Barbie.....so rather than leaving a cryptic, freak-out post I opted to concentrate my efforts on getting shit done and then post when my sanity settled back in.

Okay so now on to the slapping part - I had a great post on Wednesday. I felt great, rekindled and ready to go, then.....I skipped my workout on Wednesday night - I was tired and worn down but I should have gone. I knew that Thursday would be a bust because of my "procedure" at the doc's office. So fast forward to Thursday - I'm basically hauling at the office so that i can get everything done by Noon. No problem there - I get out of here and the hubby and I head to a visit with another fertility guru. We arrive for the visit - I'm nervous because they say there is some pain involved (f'ing understatement in my opinion). The staff was great and the wait wasn't too bad. I'm feeling okay until I get back there and they inform me that I have to step on the scale......I want to beg for a pardon since I am wearing a heavy sweater and boots but this chick isn't going to budge so I hopped on. Let me say I WAS NOT expecting that number to pop up.......WTF - I'm up 10 pounds since August. Immediately all of my super positive posting and appreciating your body bullshit is gone......I don't give a crap what this Barbie body is doing for me because at this paticular moment I feel it literally swallowing me whole. So picture this Barbie standing on a scale in tears - I begin to think about stupid stuff like the fact that I'm about to have my feet up in stirrups and I don't have any socks to cover my icky half-painted toenails (can you say no pedicures in the winter months??). I also have a pannus that I need to explain to a new doctor and an extra 10 pounds to deal with. I'm not kidding when I say that i stepped off that scale and felt like a total fat chick - I felt horrible about myself and it was apparent. The nurse, who was oblivious, asked what was wrong - I then did the Barbie Freak Out on her. I began babbling on the trials and tribulations of losing weight, maintaining the loss, the gym, the food, the fertility and the list goes on....I gave this girl a total run down of all of my woes in 2.5 seconds.....all the while she is standing there with this confused look on her face. Now that i look back on it I realize that she must have been trying to figure out why I wasn't in a shrinks office - how does a number evoke such emotion in a person??? Suddenly I had been reduced to a blithering idiot that was a total waste of oxygen. I was disgusting and didn't deserve to be taking up space - dear god - get a grip Barbie!! So as you can see, not posting was a GOOD thing. Now that i have had time to review the last few months I can think sensibly - so here are my sensible thoughts:
1. Fertility drugs are a bitch - I've been pumping my body full of artifical hormones since August
2. I'm at the gym 4 to 5 times a week and I work hard when I'm there. I may have gained 10 pounds but some of it has to be muscle.
3. I have been a bit more lax with my eating - I need to tighten up again and get back on plan - cut out the late night popcorn and hot sugar free hot cocoa!!
4. I hadn't exercised since my wine binge with the hubby.
5. I had on a huge sweater AND boots so that was some of it.
6. I use exercise as an excuse to eat more than I should - I have to regain control of my thinking as it relates to eating.....I need to eat to live, not live to eat!

Okay so all of that said - I am back in the game. I've had a few rough moments and I'm not going crazy by cutting calories. I eat relatively healthy and I do exercise a lot so I'm just going to cut out my crutches - like popcorn and SF hot cocoa. I practiced this while grocery shopping and NOT buying the popcorn.....I reminded myself that it is only a craving......not having popcorn has never caused anyone to go into a seizure (I don't think???). I'm trying to be very conscious of what and when I eat - God I am such the "disconnected eater". I just tend to pick and before I realize it I have consumed a whole slice of bread or some other carb laden food! The good thing about this is that I caught it before it spiraled into a much larger issue and really this is all a mental game. I have to break these habits - a few days that are hardcore and SUCK will put me right back on the path to where I'm comfortable at.......I can do ANYTHING for a few days, right???

Sorry this has been so long - I just needed to be able to organize my thoughts and put them down; although, I'm not sure that they are very organized?? I'm not taking back the positive rant about appreciating your body but rather I'm adding to it - my motto for today is SUCK IT UP - MAKE IT COUNT.....remember this is a mental game - WE CAN DO ANYTHING that we truly desire to do!

HUGS to you all and BTW - the doc says my fallopian tubes are open but my uterus is very tilted - so that may be more info than you wanted to know (it was for me) but I just wanted to let everyone know that the said doc's visit did have a positive outcome.

Doctor Appointments, Diamonds & Drinking....

2008-01-23T09:41:00.000-08:00

WOW - I have a thousand things to update about and also some interesting realizations that have come to me. First, I wound up visting the fertility doc on an emergency basis because that horribe progesterone didn't work - so I went through 10 days of swelling, sweating and crying for nothing....so I thought. After talking to the doc he finally agreed to let me start on the next round of clomid so cross your fingers girls - I'm hoping that this month is it. If not, then I'm okay - I'm really trying to relax with this whole thing and not stay so stressed out about it. I'll keep you all updated though.

The diamonds and drinking came in yesterday. It was mine and the hubby's 3 year anniversary and so we planned an evening out. Just dinner and maybe a movie but a DATE nonetheless - now, normally I would freak out. Really, I cry when i have to go out to eat. In fact, this is a such a traumatic thing for me that I haven't eaten out in over a year...I just can't do it without totally getting myself worked up. Well I decided yesterday that I was going to relax with it and I did. We went out, had dinner (I did great with the food - grilled fish, green beans, spaghetti squash) but had A LOT of wine......a whole bottle - eek! Honestly, I don't feel bad at all about the evening - we had a great time and it really made me realize how much I miss not stressing about diets, calories, exercise, points, etc......at some point it isn't worth the headache AND heartache of missing out on your whole life. Rich and I actually got reconnect last night - we were a team again. We had fun and talked and laughed..........I had forgotten what it was like to be in love like that!

The diamonds part came in when I got my anniversary gift...........he bought me an amazing sapphire and diamond ring along with a gorgeous tear drop necklace to match.......I almost passed out. First he never buys jewelry unless I ask for it and second because I knew we would be paying for it for a long time.....the paying part was my common sense side coming out - didn't take me long to shut her up though! It is absolutely beautiful and our night was perfect! Those are the moments that make the hard times worth it........those are the memories that pull you through!

As for my affair with Gym - I missed last night, of course and I have to have an outpatient type procedure done on Thursday that will put me out of commission for that class too........so I'll hit the circuit training/step class tonight and spin class on Saturday. That will make at least 3 hours of exercise for the week and I may try to sneak in another quickie on Friday??? Again, I'll do what I can but right now I'm enjoying not being so neurotic........maybe I should drink more often???

I have a ton of blogs to catch up on - I'll be lurking around and checking up on everyone. I just have to say to everyone that is on the healthy journey - it is a journey. I realized this morning that we get so caught up in wanting more and more or should I say less and less of ourselves that we forget to just appreciate what we have. If you have healthy children, hug them. If you have a hubby that adores you, love him back. If you have a great boss or friend, flash them a smile or send a thank you to them........take it from me, it is a sad thing to wake up and realize that you have made yourself miserable for soooo long. I caught a glimpse of who I used to be last night and I miss her - I miss being fun and laughing. Enjoying dinner, a glass of wine and good conversation. As much as I enjoyed last night, knowing that I've wasted the last year makes me sad......how many times have I passed up opportunities to be "me"??? Don't pass up opportunities - be proud of who you are and what you've done - we have accomplished so much and we should be celebrating every day!!

(((HUGS)))

Up for a little friendly contest???

2008-01-21T11:29:00.000-08:00

Check out Roni’s new contest! I can win a Nutrition Smart Scale from Eat Smart and so can you! Click here for details!

What did I do to ever deserve......

2008-01-17T14:29:00.000-08:00

Such an incredible support group - really, you all are amazing women and your encouragement and comments helped me be able to face the hubby last night. So we talked or I should say I talked mostly but it was good - if no other reason than to let him know my feelings and where I stood on the issues. He didn't say much but rather looked like a scolded child - I know that he felt bad about the whole situation but his actions really hurt my feelings and that isn't going to work. Things will be fine - we are a strong couple but there are times when I don't have the guts to just say what I feel - you all helped to motivate me to get it out in the open so thanks!

So tonight is spin class and then tomorrow is a day of rest - I need it. The drama this week has left me a little ragged but I feel good in spite of it. I'm strong and I'm even stronger because of all my blogging buddies. I wonder if we really realize what an incredible support system we have......I started thinking about it last night after getting some great advice from a few bloggers - the issues that I was having I could have never shared with someone who knew the hubby & I in real life. People hold grudges and don't always have the ability to offer unbiast advice when they are close to a situation. Not to mention, I'm a pretty private person about our marriage issues so having an outlet like our group is HUGE for me!

On other fronts - I seem to have become quite addicted to raw mushrooms - no idea why but suddenly I'm craving whole, raw mushrooms.....I look like a freak of nature while sitting at my desk inhaling mushrooms. One guy walked past me yesterday and looked a little confused - he says "you do know what those grow in, right?" - LMAO - yeah I know! I wish I could be one of those people that didn't have such insane eating habits.....you know craving mushrooms or boiled okra. Snorting pudding powder....eating raw noodles......egg whites every night for dinner. There is no end to my food insanity!

Okay girls - I'm off to cycle my heart out! Hugs to you all!

Mistaken Identity ='s NSV

2008-01-16T07:36:00.000-08:00

So I have a zillion things to blog about.....much has happened and last night my intention was to sit down and type it all out - at that point, the post would have been filled with "funnies" and a huge compliment that I got. Unfortunately, I didn't get to post before family stuff happened and put a damper on my mood. Soooo...I'm going to post the good stuff and just ask that you say a prayer for me if you get time. Maybe I'm hormonal and so this seems to be a bigger issue than it needs to be but I'm at a crossroad with the hubby on some issues and found out that some old habits have creeped back into our lives.......I'm not happy about this - he knows it - I'm hurt and confused and without a doubt, I'm at a loss for a response. Now before anyone freaks out - he isn't having an affair or visiting bars but it is still an issue for me.......for our family. It's not something that I can just throw out there so it's tough because I have NO ONE to talk to about it. I'm trying to pray about my next step and also trying to guard what I say - I don't want to make an irrational decision but right now, I'm really really confused and really hurt. That's all I can say about that because I don't know who may be reading this so on to bigger and better aka funnier things!

So Monday I go for my nightly rendezvous with Gym - I'm hauling to get there on time because I feel sure that he is cheating on me with several other patrons! I was right, the class was full but lucky for me, my bod bud has reserved a bike. I look around the room to observe the others that are all fighting for my lover's attention - a girl should know the competition, right? So I scan the room - mostly regulars - no sweat, I can hang with all these people and I know that they don't have anything that Gym hasn't already seen.......well until I spotted the guy in the front row - now ladies, I'm not a mean person but when I saw this man I almost laughed out loud.......OMG - he was wearing sweat pants, a filthy t-shirt and house shoes - seriously??? Come on - you have to be kidding me that they would let this guy on a bike without real shoes...........not to mention he had in ear plugs and was stockpiling the fruit and water for his midnight snack later that night?!?! I was a bit relieved when after about 15 minutes he announces to the class that he needs to take a break and put on his real shoes - okay first of all - NO ONE cares - we are all just trying to stay up - this dude hops off his bike and proceeds to sit in the middle of the floor while putting on his shoes........it was the strangest thing I have ever seen - I guess it takes all kinds??? The strange man was able to hang through the whole class so I applaud him - even if he was wearing house shoes through half the class.

On to my mistaken identity and NSV - yesterday I got to the gym over an hour early. I told you guys that we are over run with new people and their resolutions so bikes are getting more scarce.......I got there early and figured that I would hit my weights before class. After much persuasion I got someone to unlock the door for me and I was able to set my stuff down and change into my gear. As I emerged from the room to head off to weight land, the lady who unlocked the door stopped me to ask why I didn't have a key??? Uhhhh, I didn't know that you were awarded a key for being a frequent visitor - LOL! She looked confused and said "but aren't you an instructor??" - OMG - all I could say was I LOVE YOU!!! Seriously, I am far from looking like an instructor - maybe this girl was blind or maybe the black pants were that slimming but I don't care - I'm taking it! WOOHOO - felt good to know that my work is paying off and that maybe I really do have a bad perception of my body?? Whatever the case, it was severe motivation for the rest of the week. I can't wait to meet up with gym for sure now!

Okay gotta run to a meeting - hugs to you all! Thanks for listening to me vent about home and for letting me share my zaniness!

Injury in the Gym...

2008-01-11T08:14:00.000-08:00

No, I wasn't injured - well unless you consider my pride?? The incident occured at the YMCA in the cycle room. Among those present would be my bod bud, a few local gymrats, a couple of januaryites (you know the people that come to 2 classes and then never come back) and the instructor. The lights were off and we had just finished an intense class - God help me that instructor is going to kill me. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that the instructor taught the class on a bike with no seat!! Uh huh, you heard me right - NO FREAKIN SEAT! She stood most of the class and when she absolutely had to, she sat on the bar....the chick does NOT have enough padding to accomodate sitting on a bar! I on the other hand, could probably walk around with the bar UP my butt and not notice. Okay sorry - I digress ;-p - so class is over, the lights are off and we're stretching. I'm not a huge fan of stretching simply because stretching always shows off my excess skin......raising your arms above your head causes your shirt to ride up, thus exposing the flappy pannus......there are just some things that good, god fearing, law abiding folks SHOULD NOT be exposed to......so I try to half way stretch and just lay low but today - I needed the stretch. My muscles felt shredded from the weights the night before and then our trek up, what seemed to be, Pike's Peak! So I hoist my leg up on the bike seat and proceed with my stretching.....the instructor tells us to switch out legs and I realize that my leg does not seem to be responding to the commands that my brain is giving out - like the command that says - move your self off the seat....no luck.....I think this was my bodies way of just going into an all out revolt! I finally realized that my leg wasn't moving without the assistance of my hand......I reach down and drag my leg off the seat and then it happens - NO I didn't cut the cheese, nor did my pants rip (like they did when I fell over my step in aerobics class) but what did happen was a bit horrifying......I hit my finger on the bar and off popped my fingernail (fake of course - I wasn't left with a bloody stump or anything)......I see the nail flying through the air - soaring for my buddy Jack - I thought, "oh god don't let that hit him" - obviously I didn't utter the words fast enough because as I'm watching, the nail hits him right on the lips.......now it couldn't hit him on the leg or arm - heck even on the cheek would have been better - NO - my artificial finger nail hits him right in the mouth. I thought he was going to throw up - hell I thought I was going to throw up.......I wanted to crawl under the bike but realized, rather quickly, that the seat wasn't big enough to provide ample cover. Theresa runs over to see what has hit our good buddy Jack, only to announce to the whole class "it's a finger???nail????".......she picks it up and starts waving it around trying to find out who the owner was. I finally confessed after realizing that she wasn't going to let it go. Seems that she was under the impression that the nail salon would give me some sort of refund if I brought the nail back in......geez, it's not like a coke bottle or something!

Jack took it all in stride - after the inital shock of being struck by a fellow cyclist! He said it was a first for him - I'm hoping it's a last for me. I'm beginning to wonder if anyone else experiences these hazards while exercising??

Speaking of GYM - I've decided not to see or speak to him today. We need a cooling off period and I need a break. Man he is like a maniac and just can't seem to get enough of me........he's worn me out this week. So tonight, I'm going to get my nails done (see above for why) and try to complete some tasks around the house......you know stripping beds, laundry, cleaning the bathroom. I sure wish that I could say I was going to actually relax but there's no time for that!

HUGS to you all and have a great weekend!

Trying out for the Dr. Phil show!!

2008-01-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

But not to be a guest - I wanna be the host!! LMAO - I was watching his New Year's Resolution show last night and there was a woman who weighed 375 pounds and wanted to lose weight. I could so identify with her because she was a fast food junkie and a closet eater. That WAS the story of my life - I felt her pain and understood her total despair. I was momentarily transported back to a few years ago and reminded of how far I have come! As if that realization wasn't enough for me, Dr. Phil started telling this woman what she needed to do to make the changes - these were all things that I figured out ON MY OWN! These were things that I did without professional help - I put the pieces together and did it. Sorry if that sounds conceited but anyone that knows me, knows that I am far from conceited about my weight loss. Actually I am one of those people that spends too much time feeling like I've failed (hard not to feel that way when you quit seeing the scale move down but continue to see a flappy pannus - damn body image issues!) when in reality I lost 245 pounds through blood, sweat and tears.........I DID IT - I made myself gut up and do it and guess what, I'm damn proud of myself. I'm proud of the fact that even when people question my wacky food habits that I stick to my guns - I can sit at a restaurant and enjoy conversation with people without eating. I can pass by a fast food restaurant and a vending machine without breaking into a sweat. I can make time for exercise and realize that some days I'm not going to necessarily "like" it. I can limit my contact with people who don't support my healthy lifestyle and in the process I have surrounded myself with people who share my quest for health (that would be you guys!).

Okay so off that soapbox......I will say that a friend watched it and commented on the fact that Dr. Phil was being "mean" to this woman.........I laughed and said mean??? Come on, she is a grown up who weighs 375 pounds and trust me, she knows why she weighs that. She doesn't need someone to be nice to her......she needs someone to be real with her. Maybe that is harsh but I wish that people had been more real with me - more willing to help me deal with why I consumed 10,000 calories a day in Big Mac's. The reality of our culture is - ohhhhhh, she's overweight so she must be lazy and probably doesn't want to change so we shouldn't bother with her. I can't tell you how many times I felt put off - people won't even look you in the face when you weigh that. Hell, in most cases they treat you like a circus animal - do a trick and I'll give you a cookie. It was refreshing to see Dr. Phil empower this person to take ownership of their life and their choices - to give her hope and to help her realize that being overweight is about soooo much more than how/what you eat. You can drink slimfast all day long AND yes you will lose weight but trust me - when the rubber meets the road......slimfast isn't going to make you thin or healthy but most of us really already know that!

Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked AGAIN. I met with GYM again last night. I wasn't going to, I really didn't want to, it was totally my intention to suck out but before I lurked off towards home I had to stop by Kate's Blog, you know the chick with the great recipes and quotes (From Flab to Fit) and read up on how she's doing. Well I scrolled down and saw this quote: It is the nature of man to rise to greatness if greatness is expected of him.
- I knew at that moment that GYM totally expected to see me.......I couldn't let him down.......I couldn't let myself down, after all I am destined to be a GREAT, HOT barbie! So I went - GYM was a happy fellow - especially after I spent an hour "shaking my money maker" for him......and let me tell ya, judging from the way my "money maker" hurts today, I should be a female Bill Gates - who knew that 2 weeks with no circuit training could result in this kind of soreness! Damn those 10 pound weights that are making me GREAT!

Okay gotta get back to work - thanks to all of you for being supportive and not feeding this circus monkey!

Sweat away the swelling!

2008-01-08T20:35:00.000-08:00

Hello all my blogging buds. I can't say thank you enough for all your concern and comments. I am actually feeling much more like myself and THANK GOODNESS I'm looking more like myself and less like a bloated water buffalo! Of course the relief didn't come until after a total meltdwon complete with hysteria on Sunday........my hubby will surely be an alcoholic after this month??!! I am soooo proud of myself for maintaining the exercise regime in spite of the excess water. If I may toot my own horn, I have been to the gym 6 out of the last 7 days and completed 5 hours of cycling in those 6 days. I feel great!! If I could ever give one piece of advice for someone who hates exercise (like I did) it would be to find something that you like and then kick yourself in the butt to go until it just becomes a habit! When in doubt just DO IT!

Now, I wish that my food had been a bit better.......it hasn't been bad but I would like to keep my calories around 1500 as opposed to the 1700 I've been eating. I know some of my munching has been due to hormones and stress so I'm not totally beating myself down but I really want to get back on the right track before I get pregnant. Oh speaking of fertility, the hubby goes for his "test" this Friday. He is a bit freaked out about running through town with his contribution in a cup - I on the other hand find this component of our fertility quest absolutely hysterical. I can just picture him trying to get to the dr. office, navigating through construction and traffic while protecting his "specimen".........guys are so funny about that kind of thing anyway so can you just imagine??? Well maybe you shouldn't imagine my husband in that predicament but just imagine some random guy - trust me it will bring a sadistic smile to your face!

Okay - I know this is short but it's 11:00 p.m., I'm tired and have a LONG day tomorrow so I'm off to sleep. Thanks again for being so supportive. Your concern made me cry...well maybe that was the progesterone but I cried regardless!

(((HUGS)))

TGIF....swelling saga continues

2008-01-04T15:02:00.000-08:00

So last night was spin class and I went even with my super swollen legs, which by the way, the doc says may be normal but I should probably have my heart checked out.........uhhhh, WHAT! How do you casually tell someone that there heart may have excess fluid around it??? I am now limiting my fluid intake, drinking cranberry juice and monitoring the pain/numbness in my arms and shoulders.......if things don't improve significantly by next week then off to the doc for a full evaluation. Great - I can't wait!

Back to important things like spin class and food.........so made it to spin class but I know I didn't work as hard as I could have - I just honestly struggled through the class and couldn't find my zone. Oh well - I have tomorrow morning ot make up for it! Now food - god this is like confession or something...........okay, okay, I confess - I did awful last night. I was starving when I got home from the gym so I ate some popcorn - not bad in itself - but then I had my usual dinner of roasted veggies and spinach with egg whites....then there was a piece of high fiber toast, uhhh a sugar free pudding cup, a few fritos, an apple dipped in yogurt and a handful of cereal......each individually wasn't bad but when I added up my total daily calorie consumption is was 1800 calories - WHAT - OMG! I almost cried - now before anyone starts screaming at me - yes I did go to spin class so I burned calories - no I didn't go over in my points when I added in AP's but what did I do:

1. Ate for no good reason - I wasn't hungry but rather unsatisfied
2. Gave in to my longing to eat just because I couldn't sleep - I've really been working to break the "midnight snack" habit
3. If I was honest with myself, which I don't always enjoying being but in the instance it is necessary - I felt the sensible angel tell me to shut my pie hole and quit shoveling food in - the devil on the other hand said - but you were too sick to eat, you exercised, this will make you feel better......hmmm, LIAR!! Instead of feeling better I felt bloated and guilty........see just goes to show that comfort food only offers momentary comfort!

So I drug my bloated butt to work this morning only to find an email from a great friend, whom I've never met in real life, but have talked to for almost a year. This person found via the magazine cover, in a Walmart, in NC - how is that for a match made in Heaven??? So she looked me up on myspace, emailed me and we began a friendship.........she is incredibly funny and totally gets it AND she is battling the weight loss game AND she is blogging now SO I'm hoping that all of my buddies will drop by her house and cheer her on.....here is her address: http://www.lilactreedelights.blogspot.com/

All right - now I'm off to figure out how to get my legs to look semi normal. This water retention is really bad for someone who is as neurotic as I am about weight.....I would love to know how much water weight I have on me but I don't think it would be wise to step on Mr. Scale - I could break him - either by girth or by throwing him across the room again???

Good luck guys and have a great weekend!

I hate Progesterone but I LOVE powdered peanut butter!

2008-01-03T11:53:00.000-08:00

Yep - love that stuff. Not sure if anyone has heard of PB2 but it is powdered peanut butter that you mix with water..........it's 50 calories for 2 tbls and since I'm a huge pb addict and real pb is so high in points - this stuff works great for me. Well except when I attempt to eat the powder by itself - that little trick is a choking hazard........who knew that something so seeminly innocent could clump up in your throat like that??? Not to mention, drinking water AFTER you eat the powder does not have the same effect as mixing before eating. You would think that after my pudding powder escapade that I would have learned to stay away from powdered substances......just not a good idea for me!

Now that I have confessed my "stupid" moment I would like to proclaim that my YMCA has finally gone to a full week of cycle/spin class.........HALLELUJAH!!! I didn't know it until last night when I hauled my butt into the gym to attempt that blasted step w/weights class - I was sooooo dreading the mental effort that class requires. Suddenly I was smacked in the face with a huge board boasting about daily cycle classes......then I saw the lights on in the cycle room - suddenly I knew that I had hit the jackpot and the exercise gods were smiling on me! WOOHOO.......I have to admit I was a little disappointed that the class was almost full with people that NEVER come to the gym - ackkkkk, it's New Year's resolution time and EVERYONE and their dog is at the gym - is it awful for me to wish some great television shows to come on soon so that our class goes back to normal?? OH that is bad of me, isn't it? So hit the spin class and worked hard - felt great! I forgot how good it feels to actually move with purpose as opposed to just shuffling through the days. I slept great and woke up this morning feeling like a million bucks - I'm ready for tonight!

Okay got a quick question for any ladies out there - my fertility doctor currently has me taking progesterone to bring on AF (sorry maybe that is too much info?) and I am swelling up like a beached whale........really I have had 150 ounces of water today (it's only 2:00 here) and I'm still swollen - not to mention the headache and my right arm is going numb.......I had the same kind of stuff last month but we thought maybe it was just that paticular medicine......now I'm thinking my body is just a freak show and it hates progesterone all together?? I've put in a call to the doc's office but was just wondering if anyone had ever had strange symptons like this?

I hope that you are all having OP days - I've got 7 of 18 AP's earned for this week already........I may actually hit my goal this week, unlike last month where I floundered all month! Hugs to you all!

BTW - Kate, the tortilla soup recipe you gave me ROCKED! I did use a can of FF refried berans to thicken it up but that was just for my personal taste - THANK YOU, the hubby is in love!

Keeping it short

2008-01-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

Hi all - I wish that I could explain my absence by saying I have been away on some exciting tropical vacation or that I've even got a good reason for being MIA - but no, not really, I got nothing! Well actually, I have been pretty busy with the holidays and then there was a death in my best friend's family so I have felt the pressure of that but other than that - I've been pretty much caught up in artifical hormone hell! So I feel like crap, look like crap and worst of all I have not been exercising. Not exercising only magnifies the problem by allowing me NO way to relieve some of my stress - now my Ken, on the other hand, seems to think that sex is a stress reliever.........well it would be if I didn't feel like a damn circus monkey that is performing on command! Not to mention, at this point, sex for me is to make a baby barbie and obviously that isn't working out so well........sooooooo I'm a little hesitant to do much of anything in that department right now.

As you can tell I'm a little hormonal today (was yesterday too) but hopefully in the next few days I'll be back to normal. I'm not kidding you, progesterone makes me insane. The bloating is horrific, the mood swings are worse and basically I feel pretty insane (more so than usual). Maybe I'm just a baby and things aren't so bad.......??? Don't you just hate when you can't tell if the crisis is real or in your head? My one solace, is that I know there is a plan.........whatever that plan is, I don't know but I know that it is already in place. Now my job is to continue doing what I can to get to my goal! I have to admit though, I have found myself really battling the "screw it" mentality lately. Forget exercise and diet, forget focusing on good health, forget being rational and calculating, forget being goal oriented - you know just that - lay in bed, pull the covers up and refuse to come out mentality - it was nice for a day or two but of course work called this morning so I pulled my butt up and got dressed. It will be fine, no - it will be better than fine - it will be GREAT!! I will be great, by the end of 2008 I'll be holding a new baby in my arms and working off my preggo weight gain - that's one diet i won't mind a bit!!

Okay I already feel better, more like myself and more in the groove! I'm shaking off the heartaches of 2007 and running towards what I want in 2008 - hmmmm, do I gain AP points for that??? Okay, I'll be back tonight to post how my workout went - wish me luck. It's been 3 weeks since I've been to this class and it's a killer when I go every week........I should be sore tomorrow!

HUGS to you all!

Finally, it's over!

2007-12-26T11:40:00.000-08:00

Whoa I'm glad that the holidays are leaving......I love my family and friends, I love the lights, the music, the fun, the festivities but most of all I LOVE the food! I didn't do horrible and I'm really proud that I managed to hold it together during all the various get togethers but the baked goods at home have got to go. I did wise up and decide to make some WW friendly haystacks but still a nibble here an there is slowly killing me. The worst part is realizing that you had ironclad will power at the party and didn't eat the piece of apple cake that you wanted only to come home and scarf down a cookie or two and realize that you could have those anytime you wanted!! I mean, really WTH is up with that. I can make cookies in my sleep but my grandma only makes apple cake at Christmas - stupid stupid stupid Barbie! At least I didn't eat the cake AND cookies!

Like I said that holidays are fun but I am really needing some routine and order back in my life. Somehow baking, shopping and wrapping doesn't constitute a visit with GYM. Not that I had time for GYM - really it was midnight before I sat down most days but my lack of exercise is just a reminder of how good I feel when I do hit it hard! It's nice to relax and not track every bite but it's equally as nice to get back to reality and back on track! So today I'll be visiting the weights and then tomorrow I'll be back at my spin class.

On the Santa front - he was really good to us this year. I got a digital camera, clothes, a digital frame and a ton of other stuff. We got the kiddo the game RockBand which has a guitar, drum set and microphone - GOD help me, watching - watching my middle aged, balding Ken doll husband, dance around our living room, headbanging - had to be the funniest thing I've seen in a while. He was more excited than our 11 year old. His excitement, I must admit, was adorable! Watching him sitting in the living room floor, in his pj's, playing with his new "toys" was hillarious......yeah, I'm talking about the hubby here! Overall it was busy, hectic, fun and whole lot of work but well worth it. I have now officially retired my baking pans and candy making utensils for another year........now I'm off to scope out some healthy recipes for the upcoming week as my rocking it out hubby has overindulged a bit too!

HUGS to you all & I hope you all had a great Christmas!

Bake Fest, Billy Blanks and the Bitching Neighbor!

2007-12-20T19:56:00.000-08:00

I know, I know - Barbie has totally been AWOL lately but please know that I have been with you all in spirit! Things have been totally insane between work and home so "me" time has been limited! On to my title.....it starts with last weekend being a total bake fest in my house. I absolutely love to bake and make candy so I tend to go a bit overboard in that department. Just picture Barbie on Saturday morning foregoing her normal workout for a trip to the grocery store to purchase baking supplies. Yep, here I am in workout clothes, tennis shoes, no makeup and hair under a hat all to grocery shop at the local poe dunk grocery store. I loaded up my basket with every non-healthy item I could find and secretly relished in the bliss that comes from baking total crap and knowing that I'm going to give most of it away. Not to mention, if i do say so myself, my baked goods/candy always gets rave reviews - this is another reason that I weighed nearly 400 pounds - a lifetime of taste testing will do it to ya every time!

So I loaded up my cart, paid for my pletherage of crapola and headed to the sanctity of my kitchen. I baked and baked and baked......hubby ate and ate and ate!! He loves my baking skills too. So I made cookies, brownies, sausage balls, fudge, peanut butter balls, cheesecake and 2 kinds of dip. It was a really busy weekend that ended with me collapsing on Sunday night in a heap of powdered sugar and shortening! Baking Barbie was almost dead but it was a contented kind of death......is there such a thing?? Okay so in the middle of bakefest 08 - I started feeling guilt for my lack of gym time over the week. I felt like a total slacker so I decided to bust out the Billy Blanks DVD that I bought at Thanksgiving.

Let me begin by saying that my boy Billy has no room to ever make fun of Richard Simmons because his attire in this video almost made me pee my pants.........can you say tie dye shirt and shorts??!! Oh but wait, the shorts appeared to have been cut with pinking shears.....you know the scissors that your grandmother used to make quilt patches.....they make the zigzag pattern in the material when you cut it.......what the hell Billy, how am I supposed to concentrate on the insanely intense and intricate moves that you are doing (not teaching) when your who who is about to fall out of your crazy, too big, tie dyed, quilter shorts..........WHOA! It was not a pretty sight! Then of course there is crazy, cardio kickboxing, marine barbie in the background who is screaming and hollering and acting like this shit is the best thing since sliced bread. Meanwhile this Barbie is in the middle of her living room about to karate chop the damn christmas tree while my cats are staring at me in horror. First they are utterly confused as to why I am covered in melted chocolate and flour - I am assuming my appearance coupled with the heavy breathing and gasps escaping my lips probably resembled some kind of sick Paula Deen/Emeril porno. It just wasn't good - after a half hour I turned it off and spent the next 10 minutes alternating jumping jacks and pushups. As scary as it is to hear my pannus flapping - seeing it jiggle while covered in flour is way worse!

My last comment about the bitching neighbor was added as i typed the above. Yeah, I'm the girl who makes goodies for the neighbor and tries to wave and smile. So I'm sitting here typing away at almost 10:00 p.m. and I hear a knock at the door. Now my faithful hubby is out playing poker so it's just me and the kiddo home alone. I lurk towards the door since nobody ever comes to my house. Ask who it is and am greeted by me neighbors voice.....I'm thinking, hell it's late to be bringing over a card or gift.........WTF?? So I pull open the door and am hit with an assault about my barking dog. I smile politely and apologize profusely because truth be told the damn dog is making me crazy. He barks, he jumps the fence, he digs holes, tears stuff up.........seriously this dog has a death wish or something. So I tell said neighbor that the "man" is out but I promise we will take care of it in the morning. He just continues to bitch and complain like I'm going to mysteriously have another option to offer. I'm not bringing the damn dog in the house and I'm not a dog whisperer so my chances of coaxing him to shut the hell up are slim to none. Really, what does this guy want me to do........I know it is a pain in the butt but so are this guys kids that scream to the top of their lungs at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Oh and him mowing his lawn at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday morning - well when he mowes it at all! So I just stood there and played dumb......I don't know, batted my eyelashes, twirled my hair and smacked my gum. Guess he took the hint because he finally left my porch - he may have snuck off to shoot the dog because I don't hear him barking anymore???

I really really really hope to be able to get back around before Christmas but if not Merry Christmas to all of you. Be safe, have fun, hug your family and enjoy the food BUT be prepared to bust ass when it's over.......we all know the drill enjoy it now but be ready to pay for it on the 26th!

HUGS to you all!

Exercise Advice??

2007-12-13T05:57:00.000-08:00

So things are NOT going as I would hope during this holiday season - I'm way too busy at work, not enough time with GYM and just total exhaustion. From lurking and reading, looks like we are all fighting the same type of challenges. Not enough time, too much to do and let's not even talk about the additional "Christmas" stuff that I need to get done. I have baking, buying and decorating to get done before our first official family event on Sunday.......somehow I'm sure I'll get it all done but I'm going to have to cut some things out of my schedule to make time for Christmas.....the one thing I have determined is that I'm NOT standing up GYM anymore this week - everyone else is going to have to take a number behind my BFF because I'm not me without GYM.

Eating has been mediocre.....not terrible but not great. Of course there are so many reasons that it hasn't been great, such as, my total lack of planning small meals, too much snacking (you know 5 goldfish crackers, 5 times a day adds up to 75 calories - WOW) and no exercise. Not to mention yesterday I was a total beast and basically just shut down........I was completely beat up with work and horrible weather. I've noticed that when my attitude is poor, everything is off. The problem is when I get in those funks I really struggle to shake it....well, I don't shake it actually. I just cry, bitch and basically scare the crap out of everyone for a whole day. Today I am determined to have a better attitude, get to the gym and make a plan to get all my holiday stuff completed - I'm convinced that by the end of today, I'll feel much more like myself!

Here is my problem - I need some quick workouts - what works for you all??? I need low impact type stuff that is fast and fat blasting. I get so bored on the usual machines - does anyone have a versatile routine or DVD they like??? I would love your input!

(((HUGS)))

Life, Love & the Pursuit of SLEEP!

2007-12-11T19:11:00.000-08:00

Ughhhh - not sure where to start except to say please forgive me for being MIA lately. I have been crazy busy with work, training meetings and family/work Christmas functions. Can you say overload?? On a good note, my eating is okay and my clothes are fitting better - on a bad note, the scale is jacking with me. I weighed today at the doctors office and it looks like I'm not really losing??? I know the last couple of weeks I've been sick and slacking more than I like at the gym but my calories have been fairly in check - I guess maybe I'm burning muscle with my weight training??? Although, I feel that sometimes I'm not doing things right or enough of them.........guess the inches prove otherwise? One thing that I do know is that I feel better and I really don't have a lot of time to waste freaking about it!

Thank you all for your sweet comments on our pictures. I got so many "your beautiful" comments that I almost believed it - haha! Why is it that we see ourselves so differently than others see us?? I look at those pictures and a whole host of yucky thoughts run through my head..........I hate that! The one thing I am sure of is that I look MUCH better now than I did a few years ago!

Last thing before I collapse into bed - visited the Fertility Doc today. Not much to report other than we are now moving on to using Clomid and of course there will be the usual invasive tests AGAIN! I keep wondering why I have to have the uterus from hell??? It's been giving me grief my whole life and all I ask is that it work right 1 freakin time.........not so much though! If the Clomid doesn't work this month then we will go to injectable drugs.......can you say EXPENSIVE! That could drain our savings in a heartbeat. This whole process has become frustrating to the point of tears. In fact, I was in my car on the way to the Fertility God's office....I was crying out of frustration and longing........I do that sometimes so it isn't like a huge thing for me. I was basically having a mini pity party and I suddenly passed by a church with a sign that read "Don't be afraid, you are right were God wants you to be". So that's what I'm going to do - I'm going to hang in there and remember that above all things I'm blessed. Even when I'm frustrated and angry.......I'm still blessed. I have a great family and support network - baby barbie will be along soon!

HUGS to you all!

Christmas Pictures!

2007-12-10T11:10:00.000-08:00

The whole gang!

This is my dad and I - suprise Christmas gift for my grandparents! I love my daddy so much.......I can't help it, he will always have my heart!

Of course what Christmas is complete, without my boys dressed in their Stars gear!!